Reason #31 China Will Rule the 21st Century- American Popular Music

Pre-Post NOTE: I would like to offer my humblest (not saying too much i guess) apologies to the former crews of Reading Rainbow and Wishbone. I left both shows out of my pantheon of great educational entertainment and that was inexcusable. My bad.

Post-Pre-Post NOTE: How awesome is LeVar Burton? He created/hosted Reading Rainbow. He was Geordi La Forge on Stark Trek:The Next Generation but that was preceded by an even more epic role voicing Kwame (Earth) on Captain Planet. And, of course, who could forget his portrayal of Toby Kunta Kinte in Roots? Oh, slavery. Good times. Just kidding, three thirty black friends. Anyway...

It looks like we have ourselves another post. And another non-sports post, at that. I'm posting regularly while minorities are outnumbering good ol' white folk at the water park? Well played, Mayans, well played. The end of the world certainly draws near. My favorite part of this video is the talking missiles. I don't know why. My second favorite part is the French accent while the Japanese flag in the background of the Chinese portion of the clip rounds out my top three. The American educational system, for the win! While the academic performance of America's children (below average) is certainly reason to worry, this post will be addressing an issue far more dire. It is a disease that seeps into the brain of every child, tween, teenager and even the occasional college student (here's looking at you, kid). It's an airborne virus that spreads rapidly and children are at a much greater risk than adults. That makes it pretty much exactly like the swine flu...except unlike H1N1, the B52 is actually quite dangerous. It is the virus of dumb pop music.

Haven't heard of the B52? I guess I'll take a moment to fill you in. The B52 is named after the New Wave rock group that emerged from Georgia in the late 1970s and unleashed the full-fledged virus upon the world with "Rock Lobster." Bow Wow Wow and Wham! kept the virus alive in the 1980s with a cover of "I Want Candy" and "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," respectively, but this was merely a precursor to the 1990s when things really escalated quickly.

I remember like it was yesterday. Hanson and Ricky Martin. The Spice Girls. Sisqo and Crazytown. Every boy and every girl! Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon. People of the world! Let me see that thongggg. Slam me to the left! Cause you're my butterfly, sugar, baby. Shake it to the right! Life in plastic...it's fantastic. Spice up your life! Mmm bop. (Don't lie. You were singing along with Aqua. And probably Hanson, too. I'll stop here for everyone's sake). Hanson (profoundly) sings "In an Mmm bop they're gone." I would like to respectfully disagree with Isaac, Tyler and Zac. I could say that these songs will leave my head tomorrow but that's simply not true...they will be with me For. Ev. Er. And that's the whole point of this post (I knew we'd get there eventually). How many catchy melodies rattle through your head? How many dumb choruses float around inside that brain of yours? Why do you still know every word of "All-Star" by Smashmouth? Because you had a contest with your sister over who could memorize the song first? Well, that's just dumb (but I won so take that Casey). Kids really should play outside more.

NOTE: Nice Dane Cook cameo at the beginning of the "All-Star" video (it's from the movie Mystery Men). He hadn't yet learned that the key to comedy is a lot of yelling and spastic body movements. What's that now? That's not the key to comedy?? But Dane Cook is a massively successful stand-up comic! That has to be the key. Very odd. I guess it's a good thing we have Family Guy to explain things.

You may think that pop music could sink no lower than Hanson but kids these days have it no better. I don't know if Darwin had this exact scenario in mind while he was studying his finches, coming to his conclusions about the survival of the fittest and suffering from severe headaches (it's true and for those of you not paying attention I am implying I am the next Darwin) but pop music continually evolves in order to thrive consistently. The beats get catchier and the songs get dumber. Jeremiah is offering birthday sex. Fergie really likes to spell things. Soulja Boy had to go and compound the problem by creating a dance to complement his ridiculous song. And it was a dance so simple that even white people could (almost) pull it off. Soulja Boy, I only have one thing to tell you...you're a jerk. And we haven't even gotten to Miley Cyrus yet...maybe we should just move on again...

After extensive research (one Google search and some brief Wikipedia browsing), I have determined that China doesn't have the same problem. After all, this is the nation of Yo Yo Ma! There are some notable exceptions but basic love songs make up a lot of China's popular music (C-pop for short). Oddly enough, Chinese rap is abbreviated to C-rap. I didn't know Soulja Boy had created his own genre (ohhhhhhhh). Anyway, Jay Chou appears to be the artist that makes all the girls go wild (which gives him something in common with the Jonas Brothers that way) but he appears reasonable enough. It appears that Chinese children can only rely on American music to slowly erode all semblance of intelligence thought from their minds. And while certain Western fashions (cough democracy cough) are all the rage among the general public in China, we all know who the importer is in this relationship. In the end, it appears that America (and maybe England, too) is consigned to receive a steady stream of dumb pop songs that can only end in one thing. Insanity.

Full Disclosure- My favorite song that has recently been on the radio prominently features the lines "Don't trust a ho, never trust a ho." "Party in the U.S.A." comes in a close second. Just kidding. But seriously...