Meanwhile at The Hall of Justice The Legion of Doom...

The sportswriters of America have failed. It’s been more than a week since “The Decision” and “Miami Thrice” has been the most creative nickname for the Heat’s new big three. Since “Miami Thrice” is lame to begin with, it’s not even worth discussing how the pun isn’t relevant to anyone under the age of thirty. My personal favorite nickname is “The SuperFriends” because it invokes the twin thoughts of a group of superheroes and a group of teenage girls who make scrapbooks for each other and assign a rhyming and/or alliterative moniker to their group of friends. LeBron (Superman), Wade (Batman) and Bosh (Robin) probably prefer the superhero comparison. I much prefer the scrapbooking option because Mike Miller (Wonder Woman?) would be the fourth girl who somehow receives a scrapbook despite riding the coattails of her far cooler friends. No matter that the other girls have to search twice as hard for pictures that include all four girls instead of just the “Terrific/Tempestuous/Talented/Tasty/Tan/Tremendous/Tittilicious Three.” BFFs! Either way, both of these comparisons will continue to hit too close to home until Miller decides to cut his hair.

Considering the backlash still emanating from LeBron’s Decision, the positive nature of most of the offered nicknames has been surprising. Why so positive? Why “The SuperFriends” when “The Legion of Doom” is far more appropriate? Hmmm…”The Legion of Doom”…interesting. After his very public murder of the city of Cleveland, it’s apparent that LeBron James is more Bizarro than Superman. Mike Miller fits in perfectly as Cheetah until someone takes scissors to his aforementioned haircut. Joel Anthony is Gorilla Grodd. Who? Exactly. And the man behind the plan? Is that Pat Riley or the real life Lex Luthor? Riley has the whole masterminding a diabolically genius plan thing down but the next step toward Lex may prove more difficult. Riles will have to give up that head of luscious, margarine-soaked hair. That picture is deceiving but have no fear, the BP oil spill only appears to have made its way inland and into Riley’s Miami residence.

Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh are conspicuously absent from this proposed Legion. The reasons are threefold and thus an excuse to eschew any lame attempt at paragraph structure. Bullet-time!
-Their exclusion is a punishment for not announcing their respective free agency decisions in a painfully long, drawn-out, artificial hour-long live show on ESPN. A missed opportunity for some publicity, fellas. And publicity has clearly been the missing element in the 2010 NBA Free Agency Saga.*
-There is no case for including a velociraptor in the Legion of Doom. None. Stan Lee would roll over in his grave. And he wasn't even involved in "The SuperFriends." Also, Mr. Lee is apparently still alive. 87 years and counting! Thanks, Wikipedia.
-Even after factoring in a series of wild accusations, multiple injuries, a blatant disregard for the NBA traveling rule, an ongoing messy divorce and the recruitment of two fellow superstars to form the most hated (and soon to be loved) NBA team of the past decade/eternity, it's very difficult to cast Dwyane Wade as a villain. Dude is awesome. Go Flash.

*perfectly hyped to death for two years by ESPN and sponsored by the University of Phoenix and Bing

Remember the month of July 2010 at the 2011 All-Star break. Miami will be on their way to the number one seed in a competitive Eastern Conference by playing a wonderful, aesthetically pleasing brand of basketball. The press will be writing fawning articles over LeBron James' unselfishness and the gritty sacrifices of Mike Miller and Udonis Haslem. Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh will be thriving with teammates 47 times better than the management of the 2009-10 Heat and Raptors provided, respectively. Expectations will only be tempered by the requisite quotes from players declaring that "It ain't no thing without that ring." Kobe Bryant rehabilitated his image in six short months. LeBron and the Miami Heat will do the same. Barring injury, they will be a regular season juggernaut. And it will be beautiful, must-see TV.

Watch Miami's upcoming pursuit of the 2011 Larry O'Brien trophy because James, Wade and Bosh have already made history even before stepping onto the court together. Respect them if they seamlessly merge their talents together in forming an NBA champion. But remember to hate them. The Miami Heat are the Legion of Doom, threatening to destroy the NBA's competitive balance for the next decade. The only hope is that Superman and his SuperFriends are there to save the world. Again.