The World Cup?

Five months without a post? It’s been so long that Phileas Fogg has had time to nearly complete two around the world journeys. And since one of my principles is a general refusal to be embarrassed by any 19th century fictional character, that can only mean one thing...it’s bloggin time. It’s too bad the public will probably have to wait until October for another such similarly inane introduction. But until then the masses all four of you will have to manage with my thoughts on the greatest tournament in the world...THE NBA FINALS ON ABC! Nice. Actually, it’s the World Cup. Why the World Cup? Flawless logic. Soccer is the only truly global sport so the world’s greatest tournament should be a soccer tournament. The World Cup showcases the best combination of passion, skill, intrigue and patriotism soccer has to offer. Six continents will be represented this year and nearly every country in the world is eligible to participate. Yes, even you, North Korea. Ergo, blah blah, ipso facto, etc etc. Even a certain namesake of mine would be astounded by my deductive reasoning. The number of 19th century literary references now equals my estimated number of readers. I should probably move on. Cue transition.

I imagine you’re already wondering why you should bother reading this blog during the World Cup. My answer is this...you are a stupid American and know very little about soccer. I, on the other hand, played six games of high school varsity soccer and rank Soccernet as my fourth-most visited website. Okay, maybe I’m not the most qualified person, either. But I definitely have the time on my hands to watch most of the matches and my sleep schedule is already properly aligned to South African time. Seems like quite the resume to me. Plus, it’s awfully difficult to understand any of the actual experts given their ridiculous accents and incomprehensible euphemisms. Pox on them. That eliminates a good deal of my competition and I’d like to think that I have a more entertaining approach than my colleagues (yeah. I said it. colleagues.) over at ESPN. I very much doubt they will be painstakingly compiling a World Cup Ugliest XI over the next month but here at...whatever this blog’s called...I will do my best to field the most hideous team possible under Co-captains Franck Ribery and Carlos Tevez. Half of the English squad already appears to be jockeying for position so the Three Lions will be delighted to know that another roster spot has opened up due to Ronaldinho’s absence from this year’s tournament. You might even say that he’s been put out to pasture. Even if you can expect many more mediocre jokes and absolutely amateurish soccer analysis but I will bravely trudge along as America’s idiot savant for the 2010 World Cup in hopes of educating and entertaining a new generation of soccer* fans. May God have mercy on your soul.

Coming up next: Why I’m proud to be an American this June…

*As obligated by ESPN I am here to remind you that soccer is going to be the next big thing in America. No, really. I mean it this time. One game changes everything. Seriously. Yeah. Go soccer.