Back Again...

What's this? A new post? Oh well uh...glory be the funk's on me. Even though it features Misters Carter, Davis, Stackhouse and O'Neal (combined for zero championships and 16,729 ill-advised jump shots...methinks those two pieces of information may be related) the music in my head for the next week will consist mainly of "Keep That Funk Alive." Oh, how i adore thee Nike advertising department...

Anyway, before I start digressing from my digression let's bring our attention to the man who has inspired my return to the blogosphere and the forthcoming collection of links that can be best described as haphazard and sprawling. Usain Bolt. Just let that sink in for a moment...phew...okay. After witnessing Bolt obliterate his own world record in the 100m sprint with a time of 9.58 seconds, my excited but uncertain feelings toward Usain have undoubtedly developed into a full-fledged man-crush. Will my love go unrequited or will he be the Shawn to my Cory? The Turk to my JD? The Joey to my Chandler? Only time will tell but I am optimistic...or at least more optimistic than usual. And as 'Step A' in attracting the attention of track and field's American antagonist, I now alliteratively announce "Addy's Arbitrary Awards of Athletic Achievement (as seen on YouTube)" in honor of Jamaica's finest.

"Jumping Jack Flash, It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!"

White Boy Division
Bronze Medal- John Wendling completed his career at the University of Wyoming only to be drafted by the Buffalo Bills so this blog may garner more attention for Wendling than his exploits on the football field ever did.
Silver Medal- If you read the video information you will notice that this Henry Bekkering was also a high school honor student...in Canada! This not only solidifies his placement in the "White Boy Division," but shows that Henry is a well-rounded individual who surely will make his mark on the world! Stay in school, kids!
Gold Medal- (come on let's not kid ourselves)

In-Game Division
Bronze Medal- Joey Gathright is here representing all those athletic baseball players out there. Well really it's only Gathright and that guy who jumps over the car. Oh, you're saying that's Gathright, too? Well then...props to Joey at least...
Silver Medal- Unfortunately during his Redskins career LaVar did this as much as this.
Gold Medal- Vince Carter did more damage to the public's perception of France than the Germans ever could. Best. Dunk. Ever.

Apology
AMENDMENT- The catch is fifty seconds in. In lieu of this recent discovery I would like to offer a sincere apology to Beau Kittredge of Colorado and present him the sole PLATINUM MEDAL of the "White Boy Division." Congratulations Beau.

Overall
Bronze Medal- I guess this is cool. His record has stood for 18 years and counting so he's got that going for him. Plus, he never decided to try his hand at singing the national anthem.
Silver Medal (tie)- I think it's safe to say he's got quite the market for sub-6'0'' French dunkers from Algeria pretty well cornered.
Silver Medal (tie)- For its' place in history.
Gold Medal- 1) This video features Deion Sanders and Ken Griffey Jr. (my second favorite athlete of all-time). 2) Conley's first three dunks (the 3rd, 5th, and 7th shown) are quite impressive in their own right. 3) Two-handed?? From the free throw line?? With room to spare?? Really?? I hope my repeated use of question marks has displayed my incredulity. Wow. His son was drafted fourth overall in the NBA Draft but Mike Conley Jr. will never come close to doing anything nearly as impressive as his dad's dunking exhibition.

Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!

Soccer (duh)
Bronze Medal- The best two players in the world. Fortunately for Messi he has some skill with the ball at his feet because he is one ugly dude. My consolations on that, Leo. Though taking into account Ronaldo's undeniably good looks, arrogance, and the general lack of respect he displays toward opponents, it is rather unfortunate that he possesses similar skill.
Silver Medal- You might say that this is my favorite goal of all-time just as you might say that English announcers are perhaps a bit understated.
Gold Medal- CliffNotes version. The top ten is nice. The top five is rather extraordinary. Number two is on most lists as one of the best goals of all-time. Number one is the best free kick ever.

Honorable Mention- You come for the soccer, you stay for the Busta Rhymes. This is the first of a four part series featuring the top 100 goals of all-time in the opinion of one onlygoalburns. I have watched all four parts (naturally) but 45 minutes of scissor kicks and mazy runs through the midfield might be a bit much for our A.D.D. audience. In fact, I'm surprised any of you made it this far. Feel free to navigate through the related videos to see any and/or all of the best goals.

"You're way too beautiful girl that's why it'll never work.."

Sean Kingston! Somebody call 911! Usain is fire burning on the dance floor! Anyway...as you can see by the lyrical introduction I have already faced the facts and recognized that Usain may be a touch out of league. But that's no reason to skim over the greatest track and field videos on the internet...
Track and Field
Gold Medal Tie- The 200m demolition at the Beijing Games.
Gold Medal Tie- That was...not close. And inspired this video.
Gold Medal Tie- And this is where I realized I was gonna win the race...

Just Do It. (Insert Swoosh Here)

Bonus Category! Random Assortment of Nike/Jordan/Gatorade Commercials...

My agility is the CEO of the United Global Agility Corporation.

I've lost almost 300 games in my career. Or less than the Clippers lose in five seasons.

This commercial will leave your ears ringing.

Money.

As far as ridiculous outcomes to hypothetical matchups go this one might top the list.

Be Like Mike. Judging by the playful butt-slapping at 0:15 and the make-up of the extras it's a good thing this was a Michael Jordan commercial and not a Michael Jackson ad.

What is MJ wearing? And why would he agree to this ridiculous game if he already bought the Big Mac himself? How did they get atop that building? For a one minute commercial this is full of plot holes.

Women are athletes, too! But speaking of unrealistic outcomes to hypothetical matchups...

Fin.