The real reason I’m writing this is because I still can’t sleep, don’t feel well and found my forays into my quite limited academic world a combination of unproductive, painful and dizzying (the bad kind). But we’ll move past that as I pose the question…Why should I bother writing an NBA preview that only four people will read? I love basketball. That’s the short version. I’m trying to keep it brief because I will inevitably spend the next hour of my time on tangential thoughts and mildly amusing ramblings as the intended preview evolves into some ten page monstrosity of unrelated musings. Let’s agree to simply write it off as the Bill Simmons influence made more pronounced by the late hour and leave it at that.
To illustrate my original point (the one about loving basketball…do try to keep up), I will now divulge a relevant story from the recent past. I mean recent past quite literally, this happened ten minutes ago. I spent the better part of the hour trying to justify spending $80 on an NBA league pass package so I could watch the 40-50 Lakers games that aren’t on national television. In the end I remembered that I am poor. I really should step up those babysitting hours, eh? What’s that? You wouldn’t want me watching your kids? Ridiculous. I babysit the shit out of those kids. Get some. I even managed to get the normally effusive five year old girl to start talking while I am in the room in just two short months! The trick is to wear them down. I’m like the waves lapping up against an outlying rock formation. I also have a monopoly on erosion references within supposed NBA previews. Despite these two…assets, I feel like my skill-set might be misused in my current situation. It’s kind of like the Wizards sticking shoot-first Gilbert Arenas at point guard and thinking they can contend in the Eastern Conference. A-ha! A basketball reference! But seriously, name me a great team built around a shoot-first point guard. If it didn’t happen with Oscar Robertson or Pete Maravich, then Agent Zero isn’t pulling it off. While Gilbert is masquerading as a point guard, hitting game-winners, leading Washington to a bounce back season and giving Wizards fans everywhere false hope; I’m masquerading as a babysitter instead of offering my services in a different way. So with a shout-out to the Joker and the four infomercials I have flipped through on television in the past fifteen minutes...here...we...go...
Do you have trouble controlling your child but want to avoid the public humiliation (and the 15 minutes of fame) of appearing on SuperNanny or Nanny 911? Just want those lousy offspring of yours to shut-up and give you ten minutes of peace and quiet? If so, then do I have a deal for you! For just ten dollars an hour I’ll mimic the effect a small dose of horse tranquilizer would have on your child! It’s like slipping Valium or a roofie into your kid’s dinner except it’s legal and not an egregious example of horrendous parenting (only a suspect one)! If you want your kid acting scared, shy and/or generally sedated, call now! And if you call in the next thirty minutes…I’ll throw in a second kid…FREE! That’s right, it’s a two-for-one! Almost like the day you found out you were having twins when you weren’t even ready for your first child and now they are both running amok and making your life a living hell! Everyone loves two-for-ones. This offer appears to be valid for a two month stretch only but is redeemable at any time. Available in the forty-eight contiguous states, except for the forty-seven that aren’t Maryland. Compensation for travel time and expenses not included.
I think I make at least one hundred dollars. Anyway, it’s unfortunate that I’m stuck watching the five year old instead of her decidedly more talkative thirteen year old sister (please keep the inappropriate jokes to yourself, this is a pedo-free zone). In what I’m sure is coincidental and merely happenstance, the older sister went through a similar pseudo-hostile phase in her youth but has been noticeably more communicative in the past year or two. The odds on the reason for this change are: I wore her down with my obvious charm and abundance of personality and now she simply can’t help but engage me in conversation (20-1), she thinks I’m, like, totally cool (kids might not know better, 25-1), she is a really nice kid and simply humors her neighbor (5-1), and she thinks I’m really, really, ridiculously good-looking (even). So I’ve probably got that going for me, which is nice. I think it’s safe to add the ‘suburban girls aged 12-15’ demographic to ‘married women aged 35-55’ on the list of demographics most responsive to my personality. I clearly have a calling to write bad Lifetime channel movies or teach at an all-girls private school. I’m more excited than the Pointer Sisters (heavy dose of sarcasm included).
Eight hundred words in and the preview hasn’t started yet? Some might call it unnecessary but I prefer to call it…a night. I’ll post the actual preview tomorrow. Maybe. Enjoy.
Note: I started this with the intention of writing a preview and not getting off-topic so “I’m trying to keep it brief because I will inevitably spend the next hour of my time on tangential thoughts and mildly amusing ramblings as the intended preview evolves into some ten page monstrosity of unrelated musings,” was merely an excellent example of foresight instead of a prediction added after the fact in my own self-serving interests. Which makes it quite unlike this note. Fin.
3 comments:
mm i'm pretty sure you're not allowed to meet my kids, ever. one of several old agreements, but i can't remember any of the others.
"it’s unfortunate that I’m stuck watching the five year old instead of her decidedly more talkative thirteen year old sister"
that's an alley oop of a joke if i've ever seen one.
..there's a basketball reference too.
there was a time when you were going to be the father of skims children. man, these really are tough times.
fantastic post.
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