The NBA Preview That Was (Part One)...

I’m currently watching the Yankees celebrate their 27th World Series victory (ugh). Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira just thanked God for leading him to New York and giving him that first World Series ring. We can probably cut him some slack considering the moment but confusing God for the $180 million contract he signed over the winter is borderline blasphemy. Hideki Matsui won MVP and then conducted one of the more awkward trophy presentations that didn’t involve Joey Buss (it was ten times worse live), as the questions and his answers had to be translated through his interpreter. Faced with the prospect of dealing with insufferable Red Sox and Yankees fans for the indefinite future, I can only turn to the upcoming NBA season and the DEFENDING CHAMPION LOS ANGELES LAKERS. Nice. As promised here is part one of my NBA preview…

Teams That Suck And May Cause Repeated Eye Gouging Upon Watching Their Games
Sacramento Kings- If you are Jewish feel free to transfer the Kings into the ‘Teams That Suck But Still Kinda, Sorta Matter’ section. Omri Casspi is the first Israeli to play in the NBA and will see around twenty minutes per game as a rookie. Other than that the only things of note for the Kings are Kevin Martin’s scoring ability (efficient and impressive), backup point guard Beno Udrih contract (an outrageous $33 million over five years) and Andres Nocioni’s ugliness (astounding).

Minnesota Timberwolves- Ricky Rubio is my second favorite basketball player on the planet. The Timberwolves drafted Rubio but could not agree to a contract. On the one hand I am happy that Ricky doesn’t have to freeze his Spanish ass off in Minnesota for the next two years. On the other I feel cheated despite the availability of his Euroleague games on ESPN360. (I’m practicing plugging ESPN so it will come naturally when I write for them later on in life.) On my third hand I realize that I will never, ever, ever watch a Minnesota game this year and can't name even half of the members of the team.

Milwaukee Bucks- They are a reminder to fans everywhere that you can’t judge a book by its’ cover or a player by his name. Brandon Jennings, Hakim Warrick and Michael Redd sound like they could spearhead a playoff team. They can’t. Unfortunately for the Bucks, former number one pick Andrew Bogut is exactly as good as he sounds. Apparently Keith Van Horn and Alex Smith (NFL) had not already proven that it’s a bad idea to spend a top two pick on a white guy from the University of Utah. Professional franchises everywhere should thank the Bucks for making this abundantly clear.

Indiana Pacers- There are six white guys on the roster. Four will play substantial minutes. I’m not even counting Europeans. I’m talking Middle American white. I’m talking straight from the heartland white. I’m talking last names like McRoberts and Murphy white. In what may be a related note, the Pacers lack athleticism and will struggle defensively.

New York Knicks- Due to the unfortunate fact that Larry Hughes is the third best player on the roster you can write this season off for the Knickerbockers. The whole franchise is looking forward to next summer with the hope of signing LeBron James during the free agency period. They won’t because the recession has cut the salary cap and thus their spending power and…well…LeBron isn’t coming to play with scrubs. Sorry New York. Go bask in the glow of your World Series championship.

Golden State Warriors- Stephen Curry and Anthony Randolph are two of the five players under the age of twenty-one most likely to give sportswriters a boner when discussing their respective games and overwhelming talent. Don Nelson is the Warriors coach and decidedly very un-sportswriterlike so he will yank around their playing time, destroy their rhythm and confidence and run the team into the ground without even pretending to care. Thus the placement in this section instead of…

Teams That Suck But Still Kinda, Sorta Matter For Reasons That Have Nothing To Do With The Quality Of Play On The Court
New Jersey Nets- Only because the owner is a 6’9’’ playboy Russian gazillionaire who allegedly arranged for prostitutes to offer their services to guests at his extravagant Christmas party in 2007. There is no way this doesn’t help draw NBA free agents next summer when the Nets will have around $20 million in salary cap space. May be the worst team in the league at the moment but with two signings next summer to complement young stars Devin Harris and Brook Lopez…watch out.

Memphis Grizzlies- The train wreck of the year will be fascinating to watch. They have a legitimate chance to set the record for fewest assists by an NBA team. Rudy Gay and O.J Mayo are already shouting at each other on the sidelines. Allen Iverson is complaining about playing time after one game. Zach Randolph has been known to occasionally suckerpunch teammates in practice and far more frequently partake in the smoking of marijuana. Marcus Williams was suspended in college for trying to sell stolen laptops. E! should probably look into an all-access reality tv show. It would probably draw higher ratings than the actual games. (EDIT: Marko Jaric is on the Grizzlies! This show would definitely draw higher ratings than Memphis games because Adriana Lima could make appearances!!!)

Team That Is Cursed
Los Angeles Clippers- The potentially dynamic franchise player (Baron Davis) remains out of shape, slightly hobbled and more than slightly bearded. The future of the franchise (Blake Griffin) has suffered three injuries in the handful of months he has been a Clipper after a relatively injury-free college career. Chris Kaman cut his hair to the chagrin of hecklers everywhere. Eric Gordon has been saddled with the nickname “Hobbit,” which probably doesn’t encourage a lengthy stay in L.A. for the young shooting guard. I see no good things despite a reasonable amount of talent. And they are still the Clippers so…yeah…

Team That Everyone Loves And Doesn’t Matter…Yet
Oklahoma City Thunder- Kevin Durant will be great but Russell Westbrook makes the biggest improvement. James Harden’s game has been described as mature coming out of Arizona State but I think seventy-five percent of that is the beard influencing your opinion (props on the bowtie as well). It's like Baron Davis' beard except the complete opposite. Instead of making Harden look like a hobo, it gives him the appearance of maturity and wisdom beyond his years. The Thunder have been labeled a potential “sleeper” but are now slightly overrated because everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. They remain one year away from making the leap.

Eastern Conference Teams That Are Mediocre And I Considered Leaving Out Of This Preview So Feel Free To Skip To The Next Section
Charlotte Bobcats- They won’t make the playoffs because I would be their number three option on offense. See what I did there? That’s a bit of an exaggeration to make a point about the inept nature of the Bobcats offense. I wouldn’t be the third option. That’s ridiculous. I would be fifth.

Detroit Pistons – Your biggest free agent signing should be able to grow hair. I’m a firm believer of this guideline. The Pistons broke this rule by signing Charlie Villanueva for $35 million. Also, the starting center is Ben Wallace. Furthermore, Kwame Brown will play twenty minutes per game. It’s never a good thing if you reach the ‘Furthermore’ transition while discussing flaws in an NBA team. In a coincidental convergence of statistics, eight is the number of points Kwame and Wallace will score per game as well as the number of glares they will receive every game from teammates after fumbling catchable passes out of bounds.

Chicago Bulls- Cliff Notes. Derrick Rose makes this team worth watching. Everyone hates Joakim Noah. Luol Deng is British. John Salmons’ production will drop significantly. Vinny Del Negro is a terrible coach.

Philadelphia 76ers- Louis Williams is a nice sleeper for fantasy basketball. Marreese Speights fits in better with this team than Elton Brand and his gigantic, franchise-killing contract but won’t get minutes because he doesn’t make $15 million per year. Too bad?

Teams With Shaky Supporting Casts That Force Future Hall Of Famers To Waste Their Primes Carrying Mediocre Teammates To .500 Records And First-Round Playoff Exits
Miami Heat- Dwyane Wade. At least he’s already got a ring and the Heat have enough money to pursue another superstar in free agency. Plus, second-year players Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley should improve and the Heat should make the playoffs again which might be more than can be said of the...

New Orleans Hornets- Chris Paul. Emeka Okafor and David West are solid. Ummm…apparently Morris Peterson is still starting? The supporting cast is so bad that Mateen Cleaves, his backcourt mate from MSU, could probably earn some burn. According to Wikipedia, Mateen is playing for the Bakersfield Jam after stints in Russia, Greece, and Fayetteville. I still like his chances.

Part Two will be forthcoming...with like you know...the teams that actually matter and stuff...Fin.