The NBA Preview That Was (Part Two: 90s Music Edition)...

I love the 1990s. And if Vh1 has taught me anything, and I would like to believe it has taught me many a thing, it's that everybody else loves the 90s, too. So I have decided to tie this portion of the NBA preview together by assigning each team a song from the 90s that further fleshes out their fates and fortunes for the forthcoming season. Never let it be said that I don't give the people what they want...

Teams That May Be Really Good, Really Bad, Decidedly Mediocre But Most Definitely Entertaining
Houston Rockets- All the Small Things by Blink 182. The Rockets will outwork you on the offensive glass. They will correctly rotate to perimeter shooters. They will execute well out of timeouts and in end-of-game scenarios. They will draw charges. They will do all of the small things short of leaving roses by the stairs (surprises let you know she cares). Houston will wind up a poor man’s version of the 2003-06 Detroit Pistons. They will rely on balanced scoring from eight average to above-average players, be well coached and play good defense (normally would be great defense but without Yao there is no shot-blocking presence on the interior). However…the media likes story lines. The media likes offense. The media likes stars. All of these factors will contribute to the following sequence of events: 1) Rockets enter the season with little fanfare and are picked to miss the playoffs by most experts (check). 2) Rockets start the year off “surprisingly” well (signs point to a check). 3) A rash of articles appear describing the Rockets as “a group of overachievers,” “gutty,” “tough” and “unheralded” (coming soon). 4) Everyone remembers the Rockets aren’t exciting and forget about the team around the All-Star break (coming later). 5) Rockets sneak into the playoffs and take their first round opponent to six or seven games before bowing out of the postseason (coming eventually). Write it down.

Washington Wizards- The Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony. Okay, so maybe this song honored the diseased Eazy-E and most of the lyrics can’t be related to basketball in any way, shape or form, but let’s take a look at the intro… “Now tell me whatchu gonna do when there ain’t nowhere to run, when judgment comes for you (when judgment comes for you). And whatchu gonna do when there ain’t nowhere to hide, when judgment comes for you (cause it’s gonna come for you).” Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood are coming back from injury. Will they remain injury-free and contribute as they did when last healthy? Mike Miller, Randy Foye and Francisco Oberto were acquired to add depth to the squad. Can they fit into new schemes with new teammates? The talented Andray Blatche is entering his fifth year, Nick Young is now 24 and Javale McGee is no longer a rookie. Can any of them develop the consistency and focus needed to succeed in this league? Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison are still very productive but can they be leaders on a playoff team? Flip Saunders enters as the new Wizards coach, he of the seven 50-win regular seasons and zero NBA Finals appearances. Can he find the right combination of players to bring respectability back to Washington sports(because the Redskins and Nationals sure ain’t gonna do it)? One way or another, judgment will be passed down on all of these questions. For my money, I think the Wizards will rally to win 45 games and make the playoffs. They are the most likely dark horse candidate among the middling teams in the Eastern Conference. They are also the most likely to implode under an injury-riddled roster and slump to an unbelievably disappointing 25-win season. They do indeed stand at the crossroads.

Toronto Raptors- Around the World by Red Hot Chili Peppers. The starting point guard hails from Spain while the small forward is Turkey’s version of Michael Jordan (the competition for that title is not quite as strong in Turkey…yeah…). The starting center was drafted out of Rome and the backup center was born in the Artist Formerly Known as Yugoslavia. Throw in another Italian for good measure and it’s obvious that Toronto General Manager Bryan Colangelo agrees that “life is beautiful around the world.” And when foreign free agents say hello, he certainly says “I do.” The Raptors will be one of the most efficient offensive teams in basketball and will score enough points to contend for a playoff spot. They will also be one of the worst defensive teams in basketball and thus probably ensure themselves a first round exit from the aforementioned playoffs. The Raptors have enough talent to make some noise and scare the elite teams in the Eastern Conference but does anyone really think a ragtag bunch of Europeans will band together and suddenly play inspired defense? Didn’t think so.

Phoenix Suns- Losing a Whole Year by Third Eye Blind. Don’t let the door hit you (and your gigantic ass) on the way out, Shaquille. Last year the Suns changed their identity from a fast-paced, exciting team built around Steve Nash that was a bit of good luck away from winning an NBA championship to a conventional, boring, mediocre squad built around Shaquille O'Neal that missed the playoffs and pouted more than Owen Wilson in the second half of Wedding Crashers. Fortunately for Phoenix fans, the Suns of old are back after a one-year hiatus and are already scoring points in bunches. Unfortunately for Phoenix fans, the Suns don’t have as much talent as in years past and can’t make a serious run at the title with the current squad. Oh well.

Utah Jazz- Redundant by Green Day. “We're living in repetition, content in the same old shtick again. Now the routine is turning to contention…” This will be the fourth season that Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur, Paul Millsap and Andrei Kirilenko have served as the backbone of the Jazz. Year One- Lost in Western Conference Finals. Year Two- Lost in Western Conference Semifinals. Year Three- Lost in First Round. Andrei Kirilenko is playing out of position, looks uncomfortable on the court and appears to be a shell of his former self. Carlos Boozer would like to be traded. Paul Millsap just signed a large contract but can’t play substantial minutes while Boozer is still on the team. Contentious, indeed. The Jazz possess talent and a definitive home court advantage but can’t seem to put everything together. Part of the problem is that the roster may be, dare I say, redundant as Boozer, Millsap, Okur and Kirilenko all function best when playing power forward. Unfortunately this leaves them only a truck party and three shoot-first point guards away from the standard set by the 2005-2006 New York Knicks.

Teams That Are Almost Good But Aren't Exciting In Any Way
Atlanta Hawks- ATLiens by Outkast. This is a great song that has nothing to do with the Hawks other than the Atlanta connection. It’s my preview; I’ll do what I want. I don’t have much to say about the Hawks. They are good but not great. They have a nice group of young players but no future star. Joe Johnson can do it all but isn’t quite a superstar, bonafide, number-one option.

Dallas Mavericks- Still D.R.E. by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg. Dr. Dre found fame as a member of N.W.A in the late 1980s and early 1990s despite the refusal of mainstream radio to play N.W.A. songs due to explicit lyrics. Dirk Nowitzki burst onto the scene in 2000 for an exciting Dallas Mavericks team despite being a big, ugly German dude. Dre left N.W.A. to pursue a solo career and released the groundbreaking album The Chronic in 1992. Steve Nash and Michael Finley left the Mavericks but Dirk led Dallas to the NBA Finals in 2006 before capturing an MVP award in 2007 during a 67-win season. Dre went seven years before releasing another album and somewhat fell off the map before signing Eminem in 1998 and releasing 2001 (containing the single Still D.R.E.) in 1999. Dre was still Dre but you got the feeling it just wasn’t quite the same. The Mavericks lost in the first round of the playoffs during that 2007 season and have scuttled about in the middle of the Western Conference ever since. Dallas fans hope that Shawn Marion and a healthy Josh Howard will improve their fortunes. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t but either way it won’t quite be the same as old.

Teams That Are Good But Still Can't Win The Title
Denver Nuggets- Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill. Kenyon Martin once graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. The featured article focused half on basketball and half on his thug image and self proclamation of being a "Bad Ass Yellow Boy." Chris Anderson received a two-year ban for violating the substance abuse policy, responds to the nickname "Birdman" and looks like this. Carmelo Anthony appeared in a home-made DVD entitled "Stop Snitchin" and has a "controversies" section on his Wikipedia page. Nene only has one name. J.R. Smith is the craziest player on the team and we haven't even gotten to him, yet. Hi-jinks will certainly ensue but the real reason they won't win the title is a lack of depth. Anthony Carter, Joey Graham and Renaldo Balkman have already started games for the Nuggets and that is a very bad sign.

Portland TrailBlazers- Smooth by Santana ft. Rob Thomas. This one goes out to...Greg Oden! We kid because we love, Greg. More fittingly, this goes out to...Brandon Roy. Portland knows what it's going to get from most of it's roster and that includes Roy, perhaps the smoothest player in the NBA and a legitimate superstar. LaMarcus Aldridge is a nice player but he will not be the second best player on an NBA champion...which means that Portland will go exactly as far as Greg Oden takes them. Hmmm...

The five teams that can actually win the title will be Part Three. Yeah...three parts. So necessary. Fin.