The NBA Preview That Was (Part Three: The End)

Teams That Can Win The NBA Championship With A Little Bit Of Luck And Hope They Don't Look Back At This Season Thinking I Coulda Been A Contender

My parents were not born when that movie was released. Outdated references for the win?

San Antonio Spurs- Hanginaround by Counting Crows. Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich have been bummin around San Antonio for way, way, way, way too long. As a Lakers fan I find it maddening, but they’ve been the most consistent team in the league since Duncan arrived in 1997. After the Lakers mini-dynasty came to an end in 2002, my preseason pick for NBA champion has been the Spurs. Every year (except 2004). And I was right half the time. It was a pretty good system. But I am not picking them this year despite this being the deepest, most well-rounded Spurs team since…umm…ever? Why, you ask? The NBA is a superstar league and I don’t have faith that the Spurs three stars will be healthy in April, May and June. Duncan was one of the five best players in the league as recently as the first half of last season but was moving worse than Jimmy from South Park last spring. Manu Ginobili, who at full strength is as good as any shooting guard not named Kobe or Dwyane, does not exactly inspire Bruce Willis comparisons (an Unbreakable reference but that applies to Die Hardas well).He gets hurt more often than Taylor Swift's (marry me) feelings but he's only playing thirty minutes per game while Taylor was exploring the boundaries of love with one of the Jonas Brothers (I promise the link is non-pornographic). The two are clearly not comparable. Man up, Manu. And to make matters worse Tony Parker is…French. And a French rap star, at that. Anyway, Popovich will limit everyone’s minutes during the regular season as the Spurs cruise to fifty-five wins and a division title without exerting themselves until February but, in the end, I don’t see it working. (I know perfectly well this prediction will come back to bite me in the ass during the upcoming Western Conference Finals. I should have gone with the jinx. Or the reverse-jinx. Or the fake reverse-jinx. Whichever was applicable here. I get confused.)

Cleveland Cavaliers- Semi-Charmed Kinda Life by Third Eye Blind. Poor Clevelanders/Clevelandites/Clevelandanders. Drew Carey and Terrence Howard are the most famous/successful celebrities to represent Cleveland in the past fifty years. That should be enough torture for one metropolitan area but the sports teams just wouldn't leave well enough alone. I was going to give a summary of all of the misery and heartbreak but this sums it up fairly well. The modern versions of football and basketball have been played for around fifty years. In those fifty years there are three single plays known as “The Shot,” “The Fumble” and “The Drive.” All came at the expense of Cleveland teams. That is not good. Also, the related videos all have titles like “The Cleveland Curse” and “Cleveland Sports- Where Failure Happens.” It seems to be a popular topic. That is definitely not good. This is the first reason why I don’t think Cleveland will win the title even though LeBron James is the best player in the world (and that should not be a debate…unless Kobe continues his dominance and efficiency in the post, knock on wood). The second reason is that the rest of the Cavaliers still...kinda suck. The Cavs' second best player (Shaq or Mo Williams) would be the fourth or fifth best player on the Lakers, Celtics, Spurs or Magic. The third reason is that Mike Brown more than kinda sucks at coaching offense. The fourth reason is that Shaq is more than kinda fat. No, but seriously, Shaq’s on his way. This is what he looked like at LSU and this is what he looked like with Miami. Imagine when he stops playing and spends all his time eating donuts as the most intimidating police officer in the history of the world. Yes, even more intimidating than the Hot Cops. The fifth reason is that Google’s top nine suggested searches after typing in Delonte West are as follows…1) Delonte West herpes 2) Delonte West girlfriend 3) Delonte West arrested 4) Delonte West kfc 5) Delonte West hot sauce 6) Delonte West race 7) Delonte West rap 8) Delonte West depression 9) Delonte West donuts. The herpes was just an unfortunately located birth mark but these links should explain most of the rest…KFC rap, crazy girlfriend and arrest. People seem to think Delonte was carrying a bit too much firepower for an evening ride on his motorcycle. Those people failed to take notice of the location of Delonte's arrest. Prince George's County. I’m with you, Delonte. And I hope you get a handle on your depression and make it back onto the court soon. As I noted earlier, the Cavs need all the help they can get.
NOTE: I like how I phrased the last couple sentences as if Delonte was going to read this blog. Good times.

Boston Celtics- Bump N’ Grind by R. Kelly. This song is only intended to highlight the Celtics physical style of defense. Boston has used that defense to jump out to an 8-1 start and has looked like the best team in the league. The point guard has arms like Mr. Fantastic and claims he can run the forty-yard dash in 3.9 seconds. The power forward is one of the fifteen best defensive players ever. The center looks like this, so you know he's not on the court for his offense. Boston's best six players are the best in the league but I don't think they're going to win their second championship in three years. I have more than a feeling that Garnett of new isn't quite the Garnett of old. I've got less of a feeling (more of a hopeful thing going on, really) that this makes the difference in the Celtics season. (See Spurs comment about jinxes.)

Los Angeles Lakers- A Whole New World from Aladdin. There was a 100% chance that I was using this song when I originally came up with the 90s music theme. And what makes more sense than using my favorite song from my favorite childhood movie to describe my favorite basketball team? The Lakers' world as defending NBA champions is quite a bit different than the one in which this group of players was looking for their first title. For starters, there is the natural problem of staying focused and motivated while other teams have improved their rosters to match-up with the Lakers. Lamar Odom married the ugly Kardashian and now appears set to become a pseudo-reality TV star. Jordan Farmar, Pau Gasol and Pau Gasol's indefinitely injured hamstring are appearing on CSI episodes. Sasha Vujacic is dating Maria Sharapova (Sasha cleans up in L.A.). Andrew Bynum has set a personal goal of becoming an all-star and has become a black hole of sorts in the post. And then there is the addition of Crazy Pills. Crazy Pills (Ron Artest) traded places with Trevor Ariza over the summer and brings an element of...volatility to the team. My personal thoughts are that it was a good signing for the next two years but a poor long-term move (though that is defensible considering the Lakers desire to maximize their chances during Kobe's prime). I'm not worried about a (slightly) older, (slightly) wiser Artest flinging himself into any melees and I'm not worried too much about his off the court...quirks. I am worried about his declining quickness and issues defending smaller players but nearly every contender's primary scoring option from the wing is a physical player (Carmelo in Denver, LeBron in Cleveland, Pierce in Boston, kind of Carter in Orlando) so in the games and series that will decide the season this shouldn't be an issue this season. I am not worried about his three-point shooting (better than Ariza's) or his passing ability (underrated). I am worried about his willingness to pass as the season progresses (and Gasol comes back and he sees less of the ball) but hopefully Kobe and Phil can keep him focused for the duration. The addition of Artest gives the Lakers the highest ceiling in the league (as shown by a 6-1 start without Gasol at all and without Bynum for two games). The frontcourt talent is absurd, really. I only have the Lakers as Western Conference champions because of anticipated defensive shortcomings. The Lakers will be a good defensive team but whichever team comes out of the East will be a great defensive team. Of all the drama surrounding the Lakers that was mentioned earlier, the only piece of information that was pertinent to their title chances was Bynum's goal of becoming an all-star. He will probably reach his goal if he stays healthy for the first half of the season but the points he will score may come at the expense of defensive effort and the Lakers need Andrew Bynum protecting the rim and defending the likes of Dwight Howard. The Lakers certainly should feed Bynum in the post at times but the offense takes off when Pau plays a larger role and Kobe is able to receive the ball in the post. It's my personal, eternally pessimistic belief that things won't quite all fit together well enough to win the championship this season (but I'm fine with being wrong...just in this particular case, though).

Orlando Magic- No Scrubs by TLC. Quality music. R.I.P. Left Eye. The Magic were my preseason pick to win the championship. They can go big, they can go small, they can stretch the floor with shooters and they have the best big man in the league. The Magic made the NBA Finals last year and improved their small forward position (Vince Carter was better last season than Turkoglu in every single way, even playmaking, look it up) and point guard position (healthy Jameer Nelson is back and better than Skip To My Lou) while improving their depth. One through twelve there are no scrubs on this roster. We're now two weeks into the season and I don't feel nearly as good about this as I did a month ago. Boston is playing historically good defense at the moment and Orlando doesn't match up particularly well with the Celtics (seven game series last year without KG). But I'm sticking with my pick even though the Magic will be relying on Vince Carter in crunch time of close games. Aw, hell, I should have thought this through more...
NOTE: Hilarious Dwight Howard story. I'm not exactly sure why the media portrays him as a saint (actually I do...personable, likable, accessible, big smile...the Superman nickname obviously isn't the only thing he has in common with Shaq) but this story is even better than finding out about him knocking up a Magic cheerleader.

Well, there it is. A three-part NBA preview sure to go down in history with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings as far as trilogies go. Enjoy. Fin.