I hate the NBA. The players are selfish and only care about money. No one plays any defense. No one plays any offense, either. Teams simply run isolation plays for their best player and disregard ball movement. There are too many tattoos. Cornrows make men look like women. Why do players wear sleeves on their arms? I don't understand the game, anymore.
I wish I could watch basketball that was all about floor burns and diving into the first row. I wish I could watch teams unselfishly run a discernible offense. I wish I could watch legendary coaches become synonymous with one squad. I wish I could watch basketball in its' purest form. I wish I could watch basketball that seemed like one big shining moment.
I love college basketball. Why would I want to watch the NBA? College basketball has everything I need. I love the full court press. Who cares if ball pressure leads to (unorganized) chaos, numerous turnovers and exposes the (low) skill level of the college game? I love that college teams run a distinct offense. For example, Gary Williams runs the flex offense at Maryland. Announcers have been known to wax rhapsodic about its' effectiveness. You can't help but stand up and clap once a game when that back-pick on the baseline frees the cutter for an open lay-up. Who cares if that same offense often deteriorates into Greivis shooting contested jump shots? Who cares that half the time the ball finds it way inside Maryland doesn't come away with points because of poor finishing around the rim that plagues much of the college game? I love that college kids hustle; it displays heart, character and a love for the game. Who cares that the college game is a proving ground for future NBA players and many of those that lack the drive to succeed are weeded out before they reach the next level? Who cares that some of these kids coast because they are burnt out on basketball but it was the only way they could receive a college education? I love that the athletes aren't just basketball players but student-athletes, too. Who cares if the most talented players view college as a pit-stop before the NBA and only have to pass a semester's worth of classes? Who cares that some were offered money by boosters? Or that a few accepted those offers? Who cares that graduation rates among major-conference college basketball players are terrible and the game makes a mockery of the idea of the student-athlete? Who cares that these early entries have created weakened, inconsistent teams across the nation? I certainly don't. I love college basketball.
I have a confession to make. I don't hate the NBA. You may have been able to reason this out from the title of the post and all those rhetorical questions just now...but for all you idiots out there...I love the NBA. And while I'm not the biggest proponent of school spirit, I still enjoy college basketball. But when compared to the NBA there are only two aspects to college basketball that make it preferable to its' professional counterpart. The NCAA tournament is the perfect blend of gambling and mayhem and creates an excitement that borders on madness. A "March Madness," you might say. Also, the college atmosphere is preferable for watching a game (assuming you are in college) because it's far easier to get good seats and thousands of drunk kids always provide their own form of entertainment and excitement. As for the actual games...well there are reasons those kids are drunk and it's not just that a game provides a nice excuse to get bombed on an otherwise uneventful Tuesday (though that is probably most of it). The play is uneven and inconsistent. The game is played at a slower pace because of the longer shot clock and zone defenses (which also clogs the court defensively). Have you ever tried to sit through an entire Big Ten basketball game? It's almost as bad as watching the Big Ten get stampeded every winter during the college football bowl season (coming soon!). On an aesthetic level, the college game falls short. Way short.
The short version? You should care about the NBA because it's the best basketball around. And it's not close. Some say that the players don't work hard but NBA benches are filled with players who have separated themselves from those now playing in Europe or the D-League solely because of their hard work and determination. And the only way to become a superstar in the league is through the combination of God-given talent and dedication to the game of basketball. There are certainly players who coast or noticeably improve their games in contract years but that is true of any profession. It's no coincidence that upon entering the league small forwards suddenly extend their shooting range to the three-point line and rail-thin power forwards add twenty pounds of muscle to battle down low. Most players take their job very seriously, on both sides of the ball. Defenses became so organized and effective that the NBA took away the hand-check in an effort to increase scoring (which has indeed increased steadily since the 2003-2004 season that saw the borderline unwatchable Detroit Pistons win the championship). But the absence of the hand-check is not the only reason for increased scoring. The other reason is a very simple one; the NBA is flush with talent. The NBA is entering a Golden Age, of sorts. Older stars (Kobe, KG, Duncan, Nash, Dirk) have proven to still be near their peaks and the younger generation (LeBron, Carmelo, Wade, Paul, Howard, Durant, Deron Williams) has arrived in full-force. There are great players everywhere and, just as importantly, a group of great teams at the top of the league. Greatness abounds. And as we know (see last post), greatness is why we watch. The NBA exudes starpower but is that really any different than the other major sports?
March Madness is awesome and I wouldn't change anything about it but does it ensure that the best teams always play for the championship? Too often we see lopsided games late in the tournament where one team is hopelessly outmatched or simply plays poorly. The best team wins some of the time but you certainly can't say greatness is rewarded. To be honest, there are no longer any great college teams (UNC could have been last year if Ginyard was healthy and that was the closest anyone has come since the succession of Battier/Williams/Avery/Brand/James/Duhon/Dunleavy/Maggette/Boozer at Duke seven-twelve years ago). Early entry into the NBA draft has robbed the game of great teams (and oftentimes of great players).
The Major League Baseball playoffs are a complete crapshoot. Greatness certainly isn't rewarded there. The effect of great players is diminished, too. Albert Pujols can be pitched around completely during a playoff series and there is no guarantee the best players will even be in the playoffs. One player can only do so much in the game of baseball and the championship goes to the hottest/luckiest team in October.
Football is following in the footprints of MLB. The Colts won the Super Bowl in 2007 despite having better teams in a handful of other seasons. The Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008 even though the Patriots were one of the best teams ever assembled. The Cardinals made the Super Bowl last year. Enough said. The better teams have plenty of good players but what about the great ones? Chris Johnson is the most exciting player since Barry Sanders and probably won't even play in a wild card game. A great quarterback goes a long way in football but other than that...is greatness really rewarded?
Say what you want about the BCS but it has given us two national championship game classics since its' inception (Miami-OSU, USC-Texas) that would have never been possible otherwise. I'm all for a playoff system but at least the BCS rewards greatness (sometimes).
And that brings us to the NBA. You should care about the NBA because great players matter. Kobe Bryant carried the 2006 Lakers, a team that started Kwame Brown, Luke Walton and Smush Parker, to the playoffs (and within one Tim Thomas offensive rebound of a first-round series victory over the Suns). LeBron James carried the 2007 Cavaliers to the NBA Finals even though Boobie Gibson was the second most important player during the playoff run. Dwyane Wade somehow willed the Heat to the fifth seed in the East last year despite playing with...ummm...who is on that team again? Great players can make a difference even if they are surrounded by below-average players. More importantly, the team that wins the NBA championship almost always has one of the three best players in the league. The list of best players on a championship team since 1980-Magic, Moses Malone, Bird, Thomas, Jordan, Olajuwon, Shaq, Duncan, Wade, Garnett, Bryant (also Billups...dumb). This year is no different. Carmelo Anthony has been getting MVP talk because of his great scoring ability. But Carmelo Anthony will only put the Nuggets into the title hunt if he fulfills his potential as a great player (rebounding and assist rates have dropped, defense still inconsistent). Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are the best two players in the league. The Lakers and Cavs will be right there. Dwight Howard and Tim Duncan (still) are the two best big men in the league. The Magic and Spurs will be right there. The Celtics will need Kevin Garnett to regain a lot (if not all) of his former production to capture the championship. There are only ten players on the court at once. Great players affect the game of basketball more than any other sport. And that is for the better. I don't want to see Joe Johnson lead the Hawks to the NBA finals. I want to see LeBron, Kobe and Wade add to their resumes and display their skills come playoff time. And that happens in the NBA.
There were supposed to be four super-teams this season (Orlando, Boston, LA, Cleveland). None of these teams have lived up to lofty preseason expectations but that is more indicative of injuries/suspensions and the depth of the NBA this year (everybody has talent). The less than gaudy records do not change the fact that there should be four great teams in the playoffs this May (barring injury). And the Nuggets (more consistency, another big man) and Spurs (if anyone other than Duncan starts producing at normal levels) both have the potential to reach that point by the end of the season. Last year the Lakers won the NBA championship. This year they added an All-Star center (Bynum) and improved play from the bench (Farmar, Brown). Last year the Magic won the East. They upgraded their point guard position (Nelson/Williams) and added depth at every position. The Celtics have KG again (who is starting to get his legs back) and Rondo and Perkins continue to improve. The bench will be better, too, once Glen Davis comes back from injury. The Cavs aren't any better (they did win 66 games last year) but still have the single greatest weapon (by far) in any seven-game series-45 or 46 minutes per game from LeBron James. If the Spurs are healthy (and Parker and Ginobili are productive), they have the most balanced team of the Tim Duncan era. The Nuggets nearly beat the Lakers last spring and Carmelo has taken his offensive game to another level (plus addition of Lawson and more JR Smith/no Linas Kleiza). The playoffs will be fascinating and full of great match-ups and outstanding performances. But that is not why you should care about the NBA. You should care about the NBA because we will know who the best team is in June. Not the luckiest or the streakiest...the best. Injuries can play a factor and certain match-ups are bad for certain teams but the best team wins the NBA championship nearly every year. And in today's sports world that is surprisingly refreshing.
NOTE: There was no proofreading or organization to this post. I apologize if the run-on sentences made your head hurt (just trying to even the playing field). Or if my point got lost somewhere around paragraph seven. Quick recap. NBA-good. Lots of great players in their primes at the moment-good. Great players dominate the game-what I want to see. Best team wins-cool. Nice.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Is Greatness Even A Word?
This is a post about why you are lucky to be a sports fan in 2009 but it’s not about ESPN, the abundance of entertaining sports blogs, ESPN2, espn.com, YouTube, ESPNU or ESPNdeportes. This is a post about an underrated aspect of following sports during the new millennium but it’s not about fantasy football or HDTV. This is a post about the future of sports but it’s not about emerging advanced statistics that allow every fan to be a more intelligent fan (though considering most message board postings follow the lines of "bLack MamBA iz da best eva!! LebRon sux!! KOBE IS BETTA DEN MJ!!@!!11!" maybe the absorption of this information is not exactly ideal). This is a post about Tiger Woods but it’s not about his 16 (and counting) mistresses or his wife’s remarkable Nordic strength. This is a post about why you follow sports, not how you follow them. This is a post to remind you why you are here (as a sports fan, not in any metaphysical sense…sorry to disappoint).
The Los Angeles Lakers are my favorite sports team. The current roster has the capability to win the NBA championship this year and the high end potential of this team is becoming one of the two best teams in the post-Jordan era. The Lakers are 10-0 with Pau Gasol in the lineup and have not only been dominating but playing a beautiful brand of basketball. They play an uptempo game with balanced scoring, good ball movement and (so far) exceptional defense. But two of the three biggest stories of the year have been Lamar Odom's marriage to Khloe Kardashian and Ron Artest's admission (and subsequent backpedaling) of drinking Hennessey during halftime of games early in his career (Pau Gasol's hamstring is the third). This isn't even surprising because it's been a long time since the biggest sports stories had anything to do with the actual games. You can go back to the 2001 Shaq/Kobe Lakers (the current titleholders of best NBA team post-Jordan) who will be remembered for their off-court feuding as much as their basketball. Tiger Woods is the richest athlete of all-time, filmed one of the great Nike commercials (and that is saying something), single-handedly turned golf into a watchable sport and...well...is Tiger Freaking Woods but that will be overshadowed for the foreseeable future by his "transgressions." Michael Vick was a unique talent at the quarterback position, handed the Packers their first home loss in playoff history and had the potential to revolutionize the game of football but will be remembered more for serving time in prison for dogfighting. Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds shattered home run records and helped revitalize the game of baseball but may never make the Hall of Fame due to their own steroid-related transgressions. Bill Belichick won three Super Bowls as a head coach but SpyGate will stand the test of time, too. We love building athletes up nearly as much as we love tearing them down and in this TMZ driven world that is a dangerous combination. The stories and the controversies and the drama and the off-court/field/course shenanigans often overshadow the game. All of these scandals bring non-sports fans into the fold and provide endless fodder for the media seeking to maintain interest during the current 24-hours a day news cycle. The scandals may dominate dinner conversation but that is not why you are here.
Kobe Bryant is my favorite athlete. Kobe Bryant is one of the best ten basketball players of all-time and the original reason for my Lakers worship. Kobe Bryant is no different than any of the aforementioned athletes. The feud with Shaq and Phil Jackson broke up a potential Lakers dynasty and rape charges in 2003 nearly tarnished his career in the public eye beyond repair. In recent years he has (remarkably) put these issues behind him (somewhat) but even now can't escape inane, irrational and infuriating LeBron vs. Kobe arguments that seem to flair up whenever two NBA fans engage in an otherwise reasonable, rational conversation. Despite all of this I still love Kobe Bryant as a basketball player. It is not particularly hard to distance Kobe Bryant the basketball player from Kobe Bryant the person. We share a profound interest in his (and his team's) success even though I cannot relate to Kobe Bryant in any way beyond that. He is a 6’6’’ black man who has won an MVP, the NBA Dunk Contest and four NBA championships. His hobbies include ripping out the hearts of Portland basketball fans and rapping…badly(who said we had nothing in common!?). He grew up in Italy, speaks multiple languages and was the Prince of L.A. before he was twenty years old. He has been in the public eye since he was seventeen when he took Brandy to his high school prom. That…umm…quality… of girl was a bit out of my league as a high school senior (no offense Isabel but Moesha is Moesha). For all intensive purposes, Kobe lives on a different planet. There was not always such a divide between fan and star. There was a time when NBA stars mingled with us common folk in the offseason. They needed second jobs during the summer just to earn a decent living. The journalists covering the team rode the same trains as the athletes. They spent time together and shared meals. And through more personalized interaction and the reporters’ direct access, fans were given glimpses into their favorite athlete’s lives. It was a time before prepared statements, handlers, private planes, PR men and gated communities. Fans were even allowed to rush the field during momentous occasions. I am not complaining about either development, merely commenting on the ever widening gap (both emotional and physical) between fans and their heroes. Athletes have the same right to privacy as everybody else and no one needs rabid fans in close quarters with the players. Take a look at Hank Aaron’s record-breaking home run from 1974. He had just passed Babe Ruth as the all-time home run leader and two fans found their way onto the field to celebrate his accomplishment. But Hank Aaron had received death threats during his chase of Babe Ruth’s record (Babe Ruth-white, Hank Aaron-not). What happens if the guys looking to shake Aaron’s hand happened to be less congratulatory and more of the deranged, racist type? It’s scary. Ask Monica Seles. Or Ron Artest. Sports have changed. It has become more corporate and less personal (coughMJcoughcough). Expansion reduces the impact of regional rivalries. Free agency makes it harder to identify with teams. Socioeconomic differences may make it harder to identify with players. The present day fan may find it hard to relate, to find that personal connection that keeps them interested. It will not be Kobe Bryant providing that connection. Underdogs provide that connection.
What do you think of when you think of great underdog stories? The most famous individual story may be Michael Jordan getting cut from his high school varsity as a sophomore. Jordan was still very highly regarded by his coaches, starred for JV and put on such scoring displays that the JV games became as popular as the varsity contests that followed but those facts get lost in the mythology of MJ. Michael Jordan managed to cultivate an underdog mentality (through this story as well as others and his long list of mostly perceived slights) despite always having been a great player and never truly venturing into underdog territory (baseball escapades excluded). Jordan shows that it does not matter if the underdog status is justified or merely perceived, only that the fans feel some sort of link. It is this link that gives fans the ability to relate to athletes in a sports world full of tattoos, hypocrisy, scandal and out-of touch players. Steve Nash has world-class hand-eye coordination, deceptive speed, phenomenal instincts and his agility is the C.E.O of the United Global Agility Corporation but fans see a short, scrawny guy with bad hair and they find themselves relating with Nash (okay okay…also he is white). Tom Brady couldn't secure the starting job At Michigan, was a sixth round draft choice and comes across as "one of us" in interviews with his sense of humor and everyman attitude (okay okay...also he is white). You can root for (or worship) Tom Brady. Yao Ming might be 7’6’’ but he is also Chinese! Remarkable. Just kidding, I have been tooled on by enough Asians to know that they are legit and China is going to win the 2024 Olympic gold in men’s basketball. There are more players than I care to list that have made it out of rough neighborhoods or have persevered through bleak times (I was a big Juan Dixon fan as a kid). Underdog stories are everywhere. Underdog stories are those of a washed-up high school baseball coach re-discovering a 98 mph fastball and making a major league appearance as a 35 year old rookie (The Rookie). Underdog stories are those of two inner city kids earning a college education through basketball scholarships despite ninety minute commutes, deadbeat dads and ACL injuries (Hoop Dreams). Underdog stories are those of…wait for it…wait for it…college hockey players defeating the greatest hockey team ever assembled in a politically charged Olympic game (Miracle). I had to get it in there. Underdog stories make millions at the box office. Underdog stories provide new sources of inspiration and keep the sports scene fresh. Underdog stories keep you coming back for more but the underdog story is not why you are here. You are here because of greatness.
In the grand scheme of things underdog stories are like Tamagotchis, Harold Miner and witch burning, just flashes in their respective pans. The only underdogs that stand the test of time are the ones that exhibit greatness themselves (Hoosiers) or the ones that upset a truly great team (Giants over Patriots Super Bowl XLII) The stories are nice but they come a dime a dozen, each a slight variation on the last. Greatness pushes boundaries and explores new territory. That is the only way greatness can survive. What came before must be topped. Darwin may not have had professional sports in mind when he was studying his finches but we have an athletic evolution on our hands. In just the past five years we have had the privilege of watching the greatest golfer, swimmer, sprinter and tennis player perform in their primes.(NOTE: I saw each of these events live and they were all breathtaking.) Even NASCAR
has Jimmie Johnson, he of the unprecedented four straight championships. Individual sports have never seen such an influx of dominating athletes peaking simultaneously. This trend similarly extends to the major sports. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Brett Favre are all performing at a high level and they should go down as three of the top five quarterbacks of all-time. Who knows what Chris Johnson will do? Michael Jordan only retired five years ago after shattering our preconceived notions about the limits of a basketball player but already Kobe Bryant and LeBron James have shown the potential (if not the actual ability) to match MJ's prodigious exploits. Dirk Nowitzki is the best shooter of all-time among big men, Chris Paul will go down as the greatest small guard in history (barring injury) and Kevin Durant was put on this earth to score a basketball. The game evolves and the players follow suit. The steroid cloud hangs over baseball but Albert Pujols (assuming he is clean) is on pace to become the greatest right-handed hitter of all-time. The list goes on because it does not matter where you look. Wherever you look, you will find greatness.
I cannot find any personal connection with Kobe Bryant but Kobe Bryant is why I am here. I am a sports fan because I love watching Kobe make the impossible look routine. I am a sports fan because LeBron James makes the simple act of running down a basketball court look incredible. His long strides cover so much ground, so quickly it is nearly as intoxicating as a Shakira music video. LeBron does not run; he lopes. I am a sports fan because Ichiro's hand-eye coordination is unfathomable. I am a sports fan because Chris Johnson is very, very fast. I am a sports fan because Usain Bolt is even faster. I am not here for the stories. I am here for the athletes. That's why we are all here but sometimes we forget that. Sports fans have never had it better. The athletes are truly bigger, faster and stronger. They dedicate themselves to their crafts and it shows in their performance. So next time you read about a former porn star telling the world of her tryst with Tiger Woods, remember why it matters. It matters not because Tiger Woods' business is any of yours or that he failed to meet the public's standards. It matters because Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer who has ever teed it up. It matters because Tiger Woods is great.
The Los Angeles Lakers are my favorite sports team. The current roster has the capability to win the NBA championship this year and the high end potential of this team is becoming one of the two best teams in the post-Jordan era. The Lakers are 10-0 with Pau Gasol in the lineup and have not only been dominating but playing a beautiful brand of basketball. They play an uptempo game with balanced scoring, good ball movement and (so far) exceptional defense. But two of the three biggest stories of the year have been Lamar Odom's marriage to Khloe Kardashian and Ron Artest's admission (and subsequent backpedaling) of drinking Hennessey during halftime of games early in his career (Pau Gasol's hamstring is the third). This isn't even surprising because it's been a long time since the biggest sports stories had anything to do with the actual games. You can go back to the 2001 Shaq/Kobe Lakers (the current titleholders of best NBA team post-Jordan) who will be remembered for their off-court feuding as much as their basketball. Tiger Woods is the richest athlete of all-time, filmed one of the great Nike commercials (and that is saying something), single-handedly turned golf into a watchable sport and...well...is Tiger Freaking Woods but that will be overshadowed for the foreseeable future by his "transgressions." Michael Vick was a unique talent at the quarterback position, handed the Packers their first home loss in playoff history and had the potential to revolutionize the game of football but will be remembered more for serving time in prison for dogfighting. Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds shattered home run records and helped revitalize the game of baseball but may never make the Hall of Fame due to their own steroid-related transgressions. Bill Belichick won three Super Bowls as a head coach but SpyGate will stand the test of time, too. We love building athletes up nearly as much as we love tearing them down and in this TMZ driven world that is a dangerous combination. The stories and the controversies and the drama and the off-court/field/course shenanigans often overshadow the game. All of these scandals bring non-sports fans into the fold and provide endless fodder for the media seeking to maintain interest during the current 24-hours a day news cycle. The scandals may dominate dinner conversation but that is not why you are here.
Kobe Bryant is my favorite athlete. Kobe Bryant is one of the best ten basketball players of all-time and the original reason for my Lakers worship. Kobe Bryant is no different than any of the aforementioned athletes. The feud with Shaq and Phil Jackson broke up a potential Lakers dynasty and rape charges in 2003 nearly tarnished his career in the public eye beyond repair. In recent years he has (remarkably) put these issues behind him (somewhat) but even now can't escape inane, irrational and infuriating LeBron vs. Kobe arguments that seem to flair up whenever two NBA fans engage in an otherwise reasonable, rational conversation. Despite all of this I still love Kobe Bryant as a basketball player. It is not particularly hard to distance Kobe Bryant the basketball player from Kobe Bryant the person. We share a profound interest in his (and his team's) success even though I cannot relate to Kobe Bryant in any way beyond that. He is a 6’6’’ black man who has won an MVP, the NBA Dunk Contest and four NBA championships. His hobbies include ripping out the hearts of Portland basketball fans and rapping…badly(who said we had nothing in common!?). He grew up in Italy, speaks multiple languages and was the Prince of L.A. before he was twenty years old. He has been in the public eye since he was seventeen when he took Brandy to his high school prom. That…umm…quality… of girl was a bit out of my league as a high school senior (no offense Isabel but Moesha is Moesha). For all intensive purposes, Kobe lives on a different planet. There was not always such a divide between fan and star. There was a time when NBA stars mingled with us common folk in the offseason. They needed second jobs during the summer just to earn a decent living. The journalists covering the team rode the same trains as the athletes. They spent time together and shared meals. And through more personalized interaction and the reporters’ direct access, fans were given glimpses into their favorite athlete’s lives. It was a time before prepared statements, handlers, private planes, PR men and gated communities. Fans were even allowed to rush the field during momentous occasions. I am not complaining about either development, merely commenting on the ever widening gap (both emotional and physical) between fans and their heroes. Athletes have the same right to privacy as everybody else and no one needs rabid fans in close quarters with the players. Take a look at Hank Aaron’s record-breaking home run from 1974. He had just passed Babe Ruth as the all-time home run leader and two fans found their way onto the field to celebrate his accomplishment. But Hank Aaron had received death threats during his chase of Babe Ruth’s record (Babe Ruth-white, Hank Aaron-not). What happens if the guys looking to shake Aaron’s hand happened to be less congratulatory and more of the deranged, racist type? It’s scary. Ask Monica Seles. Or Ron Artest. Sports have changed. It has become more corporate and less personal (coughMJcoughcough). Expansion reduces the impact of regional rivalries. Free agency makes it harder to identify with teams. Socioeconomic differences may make it harder to identify with players. The present day fan may find it hard to relate, to find that personal connection that keeps them interested. It will not be Kobe Bryant providing that connection. Underdogs provide that connection.
What do you think of when you think of great underdog stories? The most famous individual story may be Michael Jordan getting cut from his high school varsity as a sophomore. Jordan was still very highly regarded by his coaches, starred for JV and put on such scoring displays that the JV games became as popular as the varsity contests that followed but those facts get lost in the mythology of MJ. Michael Jordan managed to cultivate an underdog mentality (through this story as well as others and his long list of mostly perceived slights) despite always having been a great player and never truly venturing into underdog territory (baseball escapades excluded). Jordan shows that it does not matter if the underdog status is justified or merely perceived, only that the fans feel some sort of link. It is this link that gives fans the ability to relate to athletes in a sports world full of tattoos, hypocrisy, scandal and out-of touch players. Steve Nash has world-class hand-eye coordination, deceptive speed, phenomenal instincts and his agility is the C.E.O of the United Global Agility Corporation but fans see a short, scrawny guy with bad hair and they find themselves relating with Nash (okay okay…also he is white). Tom Brady couldn't secure the starting job At Michigan, was a sixth round draft choice and comes across as "one of us" in interviews with his sense of humor and everyman attitude (okay okay...also he is white). You can root for (or worship) Tom Brady. Yao Ming might be 7’6’’ but he is also Chinese! Remarkable. Just kidding, I have been tooled on by enough Asians to know that they are legit and China is going to win the 2024 Olympic gold in men’s basketball. There are more players than I care to list that have made it out of rough neighborhoods or have persevered through bleak times (I was a big Juan Dixon fan as a kid). Underdog stories are everywhere. Underdog stories are those of a washed-up high school baseball coach re-discovering a 98 mph fastball and making a major league appearance as a 35 year old rookie (The Rookie). Underdog stories are those of two inner city kids earning a college education through basketball scholarships despite ninety minute commutes, deadbeat dads and ACL injuries (Hoop Dreams). Underdog stories are those of…wait for it…wait for it…college hockey players defeating the greatest hockey team ever assembled in a politically charged Olympic game (Miracle). I had to get it in there. Underdog stories make millions at the box office. Underdog stories provide new sources of inspiration and keep the sports scene fresh. Underdog stories keep you coming back for more but the underdog story is not why you are here. You are here because of greatness.
In the grand scheme of things underdog stories are like Tamagotchis, Harold Miner and witch burning, just flashes in their respective pans. The only underdogs that stand the test of time are the ones that exhibit greatness themselves (Hoosiers) or the ones that upset a truly great team (Giants over Patriots Super Bowl XLII) The stories are nice but they come a dime a dozen, each a slight variation on the last. Greatness pushes boundaries and explores new territory. That is the only way greatness can survive. What came before must be topped. Darwin may not have had professional sports in mind when he was studying his finches but we have an athletic evolution on our hands. In just the past five years we have had the privilege of watching the greatest golfer, swimmer, sprinter and tennis player perform in their primes.(NOTE: I saw each of these events live and they were all breathtaking.) Even NASCAR
has Jimmie Johnson, he of the unprecedented four straight championships. Individual sports have never seen such an influx of dominating athletes peaking simultaneously. This trend similarly extends to the major sports. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Brett Favre are all performing at a high level and they should go down as three of the top five quarterbacks of all-time. Who knows what Chris Johnson will do? Michael Jordan only retired five years ago after shattering our preconceived notions about the limits of a basketball player but already Kobe Bryant and LeBron James have shown the potential (if not the actual ability) to match MJ's prodigious exploits. Dirk Nowitzki is the best shooter of all-time among big men, Chris Paul will go down as the greatest small guard in history (barring injury) and Kevin Durant was put on this earth to score a basketball. The game evolves and the players follow suit. The steroid cloud hangs over baseball but Albert Pujols (assuming he is clean) is on pace to become the greatest right-handed hitter of all-time. The list goes on because it does not matter where you look. Wherever you look, you will find greatness.
I cannot find any personal connection with Kobe Bryant but Kobe Bryant is why I am here. I am a sports fan because I love watching Kobe make the impossible look routine. I am a sports fan because LeBron James makes the simple act of running down a basketball court look incredible. His long strides cover so much ground, so quickly it is nearly as intoxicating as a Shakira music video. LeBron does not run; he lopes. I am a sports fan because Ichiro's hand-eye coordination is unfathomable. I am a sports fan because Chris Johnson is very, very fast. I am a sports fan because Usain Bolt is even faster. I am not here for the stories. I am here for the athletes. That's why we are all here but sometimes we forget that. Sports fans have never had it better. The athletes are truly bigger, faster and stronger. They dedicate themselves to their crafts and it shows in their performance. So next time you read about a former porn star telling the world of her tryst with Tiger Woods, remember why it matters. It matters not because Tiger Woods' business is any of yours or that he failed to meet the public's standards. It matters because Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer who has ever teed it up. It matters because Tiger Woods is great.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Reason #31 China Will Rule the 21st Century- American Popular Music
Pre-Post NOTE: I would like to offer my humblest (not saying too much i guess) apologies to the former crews of Reading Rainbow and Wishbone. I left both shows out of my pantheon of great educational entertainment and that was inexcusable. My bad.
Post-Pre-Post NOTE: How awesome is LeVar Burton? He created/hosted Reading Rainbow. He was Geordi La Forge on Stark Trek:The Next Generation but that was preceded by an even more epic role voicing Kwame (Earth) on Captain Planet. And, of course, who could forget his portrayal ofToby Kunta Kinte in Roots? Oh, slavery. Good times. Just kidding, three thirty black friends. Anyway...
It looks like we have ourselves another post. And another non-sports post, at that. I'm posting regularly while minorities are outnumbering good ol' white folk at the water park? Well played, Mayans, well played. The end of the world certainly draws near. My favorite part of this video is the talking missiles. I don't know why. My second favorite part is the French accent while the Japanese flag in the background of the Chinese portion of the clip rounds out my top three. The American educational system, for the win! While the academic performance of America's children (below average) is certainly reason to worry, this post will be addressing an issue far more dire. It is a disease that seeps into the brain of every child, tween, teenager and even the occasional college student (here's looking at you, kid). It's an airborne virus that spreads rapidly and children are at a much greater risk than adults. That makes it pretty much exactly like the swine flu...except unlike H1N1, the B52 is actually quite dangerous. It is the virus of dumb pop music.
Haven't heard of the B52? I guess I'll take a moment to fill you in. The B52 is named after the New Wave rock group that emerged from Georgia in the late 1970s and unleashed the full-fledged virus upon the world with "Rock Lobster." Bow Wow Wow and Wham! kept the virus alive in the 1980s with a cover of "I Want Candy" and "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," respectively, but this was merely a precursor to the 1990s when things really escalated quickly.
I remember like it was yesterday. Hanson and Ricky Martin. The Spice Girls. Sisqo and Crazytown. Every boy and every girl! Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon. People of the world! Let me see that thongggg. Slam me to the left! Cause you're my butterfly, sugar, baby. Shake it to the right! Life in plastic...it's fantastic. Spice up your life! Mmm bop. (Don't lie. You were singing along with Aqua. And probably Hanson, too. I'll stop here for everyone's sake). Hanson (profoundly) sings "In an Mmm bop they're gone." I would like to respectfully disagree with Isaac, Tyler and Zac. I could say that these songs will leave my head tomorrow but that's simply not true...they will be with me For. Ev. Er. And that's the whole point of this post (I knew we'd get there eventually). How many catchy melodies rattle through your head? How many dumb choruses float around inside that brain of yours? Why do you still know every word of "All-Star" by Smashmouth? Because you had a contest with your sister over who could memorize the song first? Well, that's just dumb (but I won so take that Casey). Kids really should play outside more.
NOTE: Nice Dane Cook cameo at the beginning of the "All-Star" video (it's from the movie Mystery Men). He hadn't yet learned that the key to comedy is a lot of yelling and spastic body movements. What's that now? That's not the key to comedy?? But Dane Cook is a massively successful stand-up comic! That has to be the key. Very odd. I guess it's a good thing we have Family Guy to explain things.
You may think that pop music could sink no lower than Hanson but kids these days have it no better. I don't know if Darwin had this exact scenario in mind while he was studying his finches, coming to his conclusions about the survival of the fittest and suffering from severe headaches (it's true and for those of you not paying attention I am implying I am the next Darwin) but pop music continually evolves in order to thrive consistently. The beats get catchier and the songs get dumber. Jeremiah is offering birthday sex. Fergie really likes to spell things. Soulja Boy had to go and compound the problem by creating a dance to complement his ridiculous song. And it was a dance so simple that even white people could (almost) pull it off. Soulja Boy, I only have one thing to tell you...you're a jerk. And we haven't even gotten to Miley Cyrus yet...maybe we should just move on again...
After extensive research (one Google search and some brief Wikipedia browsing), I have determined that China doesn't have the same problem. After all, this is the nation of Yo Yo Ma! There are some notable exceptions but basic love songs make up a lot of China's popular music (C-pop for short). Oddly enough, Chinese rap is abbreviated to C-rap. I didn't know Soulja Boy had created his own genre (ohhhhhhhh). Anyway, Jay Chou appears to be the artist that makes all the girls go wild (which gives him something in common with the Jonas Brothers that way) but he appears reasonable enough. It appears that Chinese children can only rely on American music to slowly erode all semblance of intelligence thought from their minds. And while certain Western fashions (cough democracy cough) are all the rage among the general public in China, we all know who the importer is in this relationship. In the end, it appears that America (and maybe England, too) is consigned to receive a steady stream of dumb pop songs that can only end in one thing. Insanity.
Full Disclosure- My favorite song that has recently been on the radio prominently features the lines "Don't trust a ho, never trust a ho." "Party in the U.S.A." comes in a close second. Just kidding. But seriously...
Post-Pre-Post NOTE: How awesome is LeVar Burton? He created/hosted Reading Rainbow. He was Geordi La Forge on Stark Trek:The Next Generation but that was preceded by an even more epic role voicing Kwame (Earth) on Captain Planet. And, of course, who could forget his portrayal of
It looks like we have ourselves another post. And another non-sports post, at that. I'm posting regularly while minorities are outnumbering good ol' white folk at the water park? Well played, Mayans, well played. The end of the world certainly draws near. My favorite part of this video is the talking missiles. I don't know why. My second favorite part is the French accent while the Japanese flag in the background of the Chinese portion of the clip rounds out my top three. The American educational system, for the win! While the academic performance of America's children (below average) is certainly reason to worry, this post will be addressing an issue far more dire. It is a disease that seeps into the brain of every child, tween, teenager and even the occasional college student (here's looking at you, kid). It's an airborne virus that spreads rapidly and children are at a much greater risk than adults. That makes it pretty much exactly like the swine flu...except unlike H1N1, the B52 is actually quite dangerous. It is the virus of dumb pop music.
Haven't heard of the B52? I guess I'll take a moment to fill you in. The B52 is named after the New Wave rock group that emerged from Georgia in the late 1970s and unleashed the full-fledged virus upon the world with "Rock Lobster." Bow Wow Wow and Wham! kept the virus alive in the 1980s with a cover of "I Want Candy" and "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," respectively, but this was merely a precursor to the 1990s when things really escalated quickly.
I remember like it was yesterday. Hanson and Ricky Martin. The Spice Girls. Sisqo and Crazytown. Every boy and every girl! Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon. People of the world! Let me see that thongggg. Slam me to the left! Cause you're my butterfly, sugar, baby. Shake it to the right! Life in plastic...it's fantastic. Spice up your life! Mmm bop. (Don't lie. You were singing along with Aqua. And probably Hanson, too. I'll stop here for everyone's sake). Hanson (profoundly) sings "In an Mmm bop they're gone." I would like to respectfully disagree with Isaac, Tyler and Zac. I could say that these songs will leave my head tomorrow but that's simply not true...they will be with me For. Ev. Er. And that's the whole point of this post (I knew we'd get there eventually). How many catchy melodies rattle through your head? How many dumb choruses float around inside that brain of yours? Why do you still know every word of "All-Star" by Smashmouth? Because you had a contest with your sister over who could memorize the song first? Well, that's just dumb (but I won so take that Casey). Kids really should play outside more.
NOTE: Nice Dane Cook cameo at the beginning of the "All-Star" video (it's from the movie Mystery Men). He hadn't yet learned that the key to comedy is a lot of yelling and spastic body movements. What's that now? That's not the key to comedy?? But Dane Cook is a massively successful stand-up comic! That has to be the key. Very odd. I guess it's a good thing we have Family Guy to explain things.
You may think that pop music could sink no lower than Hanson but kids these days have it no better. I don't know if Darwin had this exact scenario in mind while he was studying his finches, coming to his conclusions about the survival of the fittest and suffering from severe headaches (it's true and for those of you not paying attention I am implying I am the next Darwin) but pop music continually evolves in order to thrive consistently. The beats get catchier and the songs get dumber. Jeremiah is offering birthday sex. Fergie really likes to spell things. Soulja Boy had to go and compound the problem by creating a dance to complement his ridiculous song. And it was a dance so simple that even white people could (almost) pull it off. Soulja Boy, I only have one thing to tell you...you're a jerk. And we haven't even gotten to Miley Cyrus yet...maybe we should just move on again...
After extensive research (one Google search and some brief Wikipedia browsing), I have determined that China doesn't have the same problem. After all, this is the nation of Yo Yo Ma! There are some notable exceptions but basic love songs make up a lot of China's popular music (C-pop for short). Oddly enough, Chinese rap is abbreviated to C-rap. I didn't know Soulja Boy had created his own genre (ohhhhhhhh). Anyway, Jay Chou appears to be the artist that makes all the girls go wild (which gives him something in common with the Jonas Brothers that way) but he appears reasonable enough. It appears that Chinese children can only rely on American music to slowly erode all semblance of intelligence thought from their minds. And while certain Western fashions (cough democracy cough) are all the rage among the general public in China, we all know who the importer is in this relationship. In the end, it appears that America (and maybe England, too) is consigned to receive a steady stream of dumb pop songs that can only end in one thing. Insanity.
Full Disclosure- My favorite song that has recently been on the radio prominently features the lines "Don't trust a ho, never trust a ho." "Party in the U.S.A." comes in a close second. Just kidding. But seriously...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Reason #47 China Will Rule the 21st Century- The Olympics
I'm a big supporter of these United States of America. I may not own an American flag, serve in the military or speak with a Southern accent, but I think the U.S.A. is a great place to live. I mean, come on, in America we like our starlets young (and underage...in chronological order...1, 2, 3) and our phenoms even younger (in order from most to least justified 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 763, TBD). Personally, I think Latarian will do more hood rat stuff with his friends than anyone in history. Watch out, Tiger. Anyway, the United States is a place where we like our burgers colossal and devote entire shows to gluttony. We like our wrestling fake and our national past time faker (in no particular order 1, 2, 3). And we like our cars big and our stars bigger. I use the term 'star' loosely.
Because of all of these inherent truths, and maybe those mentioned in the Declaration of Independence as well, the United States was the leading global power over the course of the 20th century. For those keeping score at home we recorded an 11th round KO of Russia/USSR when it became obvious in the 1990s that the Soviet Union had been in the process of a massive internal collapse for a number of years. I happen to think the deciding blow was delivered around...1980 or so (fewest goosebumps to most 3, 2, 1). So while it's true that the U.S.A. has left Russia in the dust thus far in the 21st century, a new nation has emerged to challenge America for global supremacy. That nation is China. And while I love America, all signs point to another Chinese Revolution (hopefully with less Mao and more Yao this time). And in recognition of the impending ascension of the Chinese, I have decided to introduce the first ongoing (meaning there will be at least two of these) segment to this blog. It will be totally subjective, non-scientific and (probably) offensive. So without further ado...(see title of post).
The Greeks established the Ancient Olympic Games nearly three thousand years ago in 776 B.C. These games originated before the Romans went nuts on the rest of Europe...and some of Asia...and most of northern Africa...so at this time the Greeks had the freedom to lay the foundation for Western civilization and...do some other stuff, too. And the Greeks established a precedent that holds true three thousand years later, that the superpowers around the world win the most Olympic medals. The United States won the most medals in the four Olympics following World War I (the Olympics before WWI were dominated by host countries due to the greater difficulty in traveling in the early 20th century) but Germany easily won the most medals in the 1936 Berlin games (the exclusion of Jesse Owens from the master race probably rates behind the invasion of Russia but ahead of facial hair choices and the decision to fight Jesus on Hitler's list of mistakes). America came back from WWII atop the medal charts but the USSR slowly closed the gap before accumulating the most medals in 1972. We would regain the medal lead after the conclusion of the Cold War (excluding the Soviet-boycotted 1980 Los Angeles games) and looked like a good bet to maintain our position for the foreseeable future. Throughout this period the medal tables have fairly accurately reflected influence and power in the real world, as Japan and various European countries consistently rounded out the top ten of the medal charts. It was not until 1992 that a new nation emerged with a significant medal total. Enter China, stage right. Far right. (Far East). Get it? Theatre and geography?! Let this blog take its' rightful place alongside Bill Nye, Magic School Bus and Sesame Street in the pantheon of educational entertainment.
NOTE: Dear God, Kobe. You may speak fluent Italian but your European influences clearly do not extend to Pavarotti.
Let's get onto the bad news. China has already overtaken the U.S.A. in the medal count for the Paralympic (not Special Olympics) games. And it's not close. I know. Devastating. Since being introduced during the 1960 Olympics in Rome, the United States had dominated every Paralympic Games from 1964 through 1996, finishing with the most medals every year during that stretch. But our reign came to an end in 2000 during the Sydney games. Australia captured forty more total medals (27 more golds) and we finished third in the medal count (fifth in golds). And that was just a precursor to 2004 and 2008. We managed a combined 187 medals (63 golds) during the past two games while China accumulated 352 medals (152 gold). These numbers are overwhelming but I'm here to rationalize that seemingly damning difference away. It's a simple fact that you cannot put too much stock into disabled games that allowed a fully-abled Spanish basketball team into the competition. My biggest problem with this? The Spanish only won the final 87-63! They had to be the worst collection of ringers since the "Homer at the Bat" episode of The Simpsons, in which eight of the nine MLB guest stars miss the championship softball game completely due to various, hilarious reasons (one of best episodes ever). Now that I've completely lost my train of thought let's just move onto the good news...
We had more total medals than China in 2008 despite the Beijing location (host countries see sizable jumps in their medal counts). Back to the bad news...
China had 51 gold medals in Beijing. That is fifteen golds more than the United States and that total alone would have been good for third in the medal table (Great Britain had the fourth most medals with 47). America only bested the Chinese by ten total medals despite the top five American athletes taking home 27 medals (no Chinese athlete had more than three). Take away Michael Phelps, his bong and his Olympian behavior and China vs. U.S.A. is a virtual dead heat. Further take away Shawn Johnson's substantial thighs and China takes the top spot. It seems only a matter of time before China's athletic factories (1, 2, 3) churn out comparable superstars.
China has shown dramatic improvement over the past fifteen years and that upward trend is unlikely to change. The Chinese government will force the best Chinese athletes into laborious training regimens and won't tolerate non-participation from medal hopefuls. The current structure established in the sports of gymnastics, weightlifting and badminton/table tennis will soon extend to swimming, basketball, judo and who knows what else. The Chinese will be able to imitate the former U.S.S.R. because of a massive population and similar government involvement, structure and funding. We may retain the number one position in the overall medal count in the 2012 London games (not on American soil but at least everyone speaks English...or something resembling English), it will be a long, long time before we capture the most golds at the Summer Olympic. Look for the Chinese to wrest away the overall medal tally in 2016 (at the latest) in Rio de Janeiro and not relinquish that top spot for quite a while. With Olympic domination on the horizon, can world domination be too far behind? I think not. Narf!
Coming up next time...Reason #31 China Will Rule the 21st Century- American Popular Music...
Because of all of these inherent truths, and maybe those mentioned in the Declaration of Independence as well, the United States was the leading global power over the course of the 20th century. For those keeping score at home we recorded an 11th round KO of Russia/USSR when it became obvious in the 1990s that the Soviet Union had been in the process of a massive internal collapse for a number of years. I happen to think the deciding blow was delivered around...1980 or so (fewest goosebumps to most 3, 2, 1). So while it's true that the U.S.A. has left Russia in the dust thus far in the 21st century, a new nation has emerged to challenge America for global supremacy. That nation is China. And while I love America, all signs point to another Chinese Revolution (hopefully with less Mao and more Yao this time). And in recognition of the impending ascension of the Chinese, I have decided to introduce the first ongoing (meaning there will be at least two of these) segment to this blog. It will be totally subjective, non-scientific and (probably) offensive. So without further ado...(see title of post).
The Greeks established the Ancient Olympic Games nearly three thousand years ago in 776 B.C. These games originated before the Romans went nuts on the rest of Europe...and some of Asia...and most of northern Africa...so at this time the Greeks had the freedom to lay the foundation for Western civilization and...do some other stuff, too. And the Greeks established a precedent that holds true three thousand years later, that the superpowers around the world win the most Olympic medals. The United States won the most medals in the four Olympics following World War I (the Olympics before WWI were dominated by host countries due to the greater difficulty in traveling in the early 20th century) but Germany easily won the most medals in the 1936 Berlin games (the exclusion of Jesse Owens from the master race probably rates behind the invasion of Russia but ahead of facial hair choices and the decision to fight Jesus on Hitler's list of mistakes). America came back from WWII atop the medal charts but the USSR slowly closed the gap before accumulating the most medals in 1972. We would regain the medal lead after the conclusion of the Cold War (excluding the Soviet-boycotted 1980 Los Angeles games) and looked like a good bet to maintain our position for the foreseeable future. Throughout this period the medal tables have fairly accurately reflected influence and power in the real world, as Japan and various European countries consistently rounded out the top ten of the medal charts. It was not until 1992 that a new nation emerged with a significant medal total. Enter China, stage right. Far right. (Far East). Get it? Theatre and geography?! Let this blog take its' rightful place alongside Bill Nye, Magic School Bus and Sesame Street in the pantheon of educational entertainment.
NOTE: Dear God, Kobe. You may speak fluent Italian but your European influences clearly do not extend to Pavarotti.
Let's get onto the bad news. China has already overtaken the U.S.A. in the medal count for the Paralympic (not Special Olympics) games. And it's not close. I know. Devastating. Since being introduced during the 1960 Olympics in Rome, the United States had dominated every Paralympic Games from 1964 through 1996, finishing with the most medals every year during that stretch. But our reign came to an end in 2000 during the Sydney games. Australia captured forty more total medals (27 more golds) and we finished third in the medal count (fifth in golds). And that was just a precursor to 2004 and 2008. We managed a combined 187 medals (63 golds) during the past two games while China accumulated 352 medals (152 gold). These numbers are overwhelming but I'm here to rationalize that seemingly damning difference away. It's a simple fact that you cannot put too much stock into disabled games that allowed a fully-abled Spanish basketball team into the competition. My biggest problem with this? The Spanish only won the final 87-63! They had to be the worst collection of ringers since the "Homer at the Bat" episode of The Simpsons, in which eight of the nine MLB guest stars miss the championship softball game completely due to various, hilarious reasons (one of best episodes ever). Now that I've completely lost my train of thought let's just move onto the good news...
We had more total medals than China in 2008 despite the Beijing location (host countries see sizable jumps in their medal counts). Back to the bad news...
China had 51 gold medals in Beijing. That is fifteen golds more than the United States and that total alone would have been good for third in the medal table (Great Britain had the fourth most medals with 47). America only bested the Chinese by ten total medals despite the top five American athletes taking home 27 medals (no Chinese athlete had more than three). Take away Michael Phelps, his bong and his Olympian behavior and China vs. U.S.A. is a virtual dead heat. Further take away Shawn Johnson's substantial thighs and China takes the top spot. It seems only a matter of time before China's athletic factories (1, 2, 3) churn out comparable superstars.
China has shown dramatic improvement over the past fifteen years and that upward trend is unlikely to change. The Chinese government will force the best Chinese athletes into laborious training regimens and won't tolerate non-participation from medal hopefuls. The current structure established in the sports of gymnastics, weightlifting and badminton/table tennis will soon extend to swimming, basketball, judo and who knows what else. The Chinese will be able to imitate the former U.S.S.R. because of a massive population and similar government involvement, structure and funding. We may retain the number one position in the overall medal count in the 2012 London games (not on American soil but at least everyone speaks English...or something resembling English), it will be a long, long time before we capture the most golds at the Summer Olympic. Look for the Chinese to wrest away the overall medal tally in 2016 (at the latest) in Rio de Janeiro and not relinquish that top spot for quite a while. With Olympic domination on the horizon, can world domination be too far behind? I think not. Narf!
Coming up next time...Reason #31 China Will Rule the 21st Century- American Popular Music...
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The NBA Preview That Was (Part Three: The End)
Teams That Can Win The NBA Championship With A Little Bit Of Luck And Hope They Don't Look Back At This Season Thinking I Coulda Been A Contender
My parents were not born when that movie was released. Outdated references for the win?
San Antonio Spurs- Hanginaround by Counting Crows. Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich have been bummin around San Antonio for way, way, way, way too long. As a Lakers fan I find it maddening, but they’ve been the most consistent team in the league since Duncan arrived in 1997. After the Lakers mini-dynasty came to an end in 2002, my preseason pick for NBA champion has been the Spurs. Every year (except 2004). And I was right half the time. It was a pretty good system. But I am not picking them this year despite this being the deepest, most well-rounded Spurs team since…umm…ever? Why, you ask? The NBA is a superstar league and I don’t have faith that the Spurs three stars will be healthy in April, May and June. Duncan was one of the five best players in the league as recently as the first half of last season but was moving worse than Jimmy from South Park last spring. Manu Ginobili, who at full strength is as good as any shooting guard not named Kobe or Dwyane, does not exactly inspire Bruce Willis comparisons (an Unbreakable reference but that applies to Die Hardas well).He gets hurt more often than Taylor Swift's (marry me) feelings but he's only playing thirty minutes per game while Taylor was exploring the boundaries of love with one of the Jonas Brothers (I promise the link is non-pornographic). The two are clearly not comparable. Man up, Manu. And to make matters worse Tony Parker is…French. And a French rap star, at that. Anyway, Popovich will limit everyone’s minutes during the regular season as the Spurs cruise to fifty-five wins and a division title without exerting themselves until February but, in the end, I don’t see it working. (I know perfectly well this prediction will come back to bite me in the ass during the upcoming Western Conference Finals. I should have gone with the jinx. Or the reverse-jinx. Or the fake reverse-jinx. Whichever was applicable here. I get confused.)
Cleveland Cavaliers- Semi-Charmed Kinda Life by Third Eye Blind. Poor Clevelanders/Clevelandites/Clevelandanders. Drew Carey and Terrence Howard are the most famous/successful celebrities to represent Cleveland in the past fifty years. That should be enough torture for one metropolitan area but the sports teams just wouldn't leave well enough alone. I was going to give a summary of all of the misery and heartbreak but this sums it up fairly well. The modern versions of football and basketball have been played for around fifty years. In those fifty years there are three single plays known as “The Shot,” “The Fumble” and “The Drive.” All came at the expense of Cleveland teams. That is not good. Also, the related videos all have titles like “The Cleveland Curse” and “Cleveland Sports- Where Failure Happens.” It seems to be a popular topic. That is definitely not good. This is the first reason why I don’t think Cleveland will win the title even though LeBron James is the best player in the world (and that should not be a debate…unless Kobe continues his dominance and efficiency in the post, knock on wood). The second reason is that the rest of the Cavaliers still...kinda suck. The Cavs' second best player (Shaq or Mo Williams) would be the fourth or fifth best player on the Lakers, Celtics, Spurs or Magic. The third reason is that Mike Brown more than kinda sucks at coaching offense. The fourth reason is that Shaq is more than kinda fat. No, but seriously, Shaq’s on his way. This is what he looked like at LSU and this is what he looked like with Miami. Imagine when he stops playing and spends all his time eating donuts as the most intimidating police officer in the history of the world. Yes, even more intimidating than the Hot Cops. The fifth reason is that Google’s top nine suggested searches after typing in Delonte West are as follows…1) Delonte West herpes 2) Delonte West girlfriend 3) Delonte West arrested 4) Delonte West kfc 5) Delonte West hot sauce 6) Delonte West race 7) Delonte West rap 8) Delonte West depression 9) Delonte West donuts. The herpes was just an unfortunately located birth mark but these links should explain most of the rest…KFC rap, crazy girlfriend and arrest. People seem to think Delonte was carrying a bit too much firepower for an evening ride on his motorcycle. Those people failed to take notice of the location of Delonte's arrest. Prince George's County. I’m with you, Delonte. And I hope you get a handle on your depression and make it back onto the court soon. As I noted earlier, the Cavs need all the help they can get.
NOTE: I like how I phrased the last couple sentences as if Delonte was going to read this blog. Good times.
Boston Celtics- Bump N’ Grind by R. Kelly. This song is only intended to highlight the Celtics physical style of defense. Boston has used that defense to jump out to an 8-1 start and has looked like the best team in the league. The point guard has arms like Mr. Fantastic and claims he can run the forty-yard dash in 3.9 seconds. The power forward is one of the fifteen best defensive players ever. The center looks like this, so you know he's not on the court for his offense. Boston's best six players are the best in the league but I don't think they're going to win their second championship in three years. I have more than a feeling that Garnett of new isn't quite the Garnett of old. I've got less of a feeling (more of a hopeful thing going on, really) that this makes the difference in the Celtics season. (See Spurs comment about jinxes.)
Los Angeles Lakers- A Whole New World from Aladdin. There was a 100% chance that I was using this song when I originally came up with the 90s music theme. And what makes more sense than using my favorite song from my favorite childhood movie to describe my favorite basketball team? The Lakers' world as defending NBA champions is quite a bit different than the one in which this group of players was looking for their first title. For starters, there is the natural problem of staying focused and motivated while other teams have improved their rosters to match-up with the Lakers. Lamar Odom married the ugly Kardashian and now appears set to become a pseudo-reality TV star. Jordan Farmar, Pau Gasol and Pau Gasol's indefinitely injured hamstring are appearing on CSI episodes. Sasha Vujacic is dating Maria Sharapova (Sasha cleans up in L.A.). Andrew Bynum has set a personal goal of becoming an all-star and has become a black hole of sorts in the post. And then there is the addition of Crazy Pills. Crazy Pills (Ron Artest) traded places with Trevor Ariza over the summer and brings an element of...volatility to the team. My personal thoughts are that it was a good signing for the next two years but a poor long-term move (though that is defensible considering the Lakers desire to maximize their chances during Kobe's prime). I'm not worried about a (slightly) older, (slightly) wiser Artest flinging himself into any melees and I'm not worried too much about his off the court...quirks. I am worried about his declining quickness and issues defending smaller players but nearly every contender's primary scoring option from the wing is a physical player (Carmelo in Denver, LeBron in Cleveland, Pierce in Boston, kind of Carter in Orlando) so in the games and series that will decide the season this shouldn't be an issue this season. I am not worried about his three-point shooting (better than Ariza's) or his passing ability (underrated). I am worried about his willingness to pass as the season progresses (and Gasol comes back and he sees less of the ball) but hopefully Kobe and Phil can keep him focused for the duration. The addition of Artest gives the Lakers the highest ceiling in the league (as shown by a 6-1 start without Gasol at all and without Bynum for two games). The frontcourt talent is absurd, really. I only have the Lakers as Western Conference champions because of anticipated defensive shortcomings. The Lakers will be a good defensive team but whichever team comes out of the East will be a great defensive team. Of all the drama surrounding the Lakers that was mentioned earlier, the only piece of information that was pertinent to their title chances was Bynum's goal of becoming an all-star. He will probably reach his goal if he stays healthy for the first half of the season but the points he will score may come at the expense of defensive effort and the Lakers need Andrew Bynum protecting the rim and defending the likes of Dwight Howard. The Lakers certainly should feed Bynum in the post at times but the offense takes off when Pau plays a larger role and Kobe is able to receive the ball in the post. It's my personal, eternally pessimistic belief that things won't quite all fit together well enough to win the championship this season (but I'm fine with being wrong...just in this particular case, though).
Orlando Magic- No Scrubs by TLC. Quality music. R.I.P. Left Eye. The Magic were my preseason pick to win the championship. They can go big, they can go small, they can stretch the floor with shooters and they have the best big man in the league. The Magic made the NBA Finals last year and improved their small forward position (Vince Carter was better last season than Turkoglu in every single way, even playmaking, look it up) and point guard position (healthy Jameer Nelson is back and better than Skip To My Lou) while improving their depth. One through twelve there are no scrubs on this roster. We're now two weeks into the season and I don't feel nearly as good about this as I did a month ago. Boston is playing historically good defense at the moment and Orlando doesn't match up particularly well with the Celtics (seven game series last year without KG). But I'm sticking with my pick even though the Magic will be relying on Vince Carter in crunch time of close games. Aw, hell, I should have thought this through more...
NOTE: Hilarious Dwight Howard story. I'm not exactly sure why the media portrays him as a saint (actually I do...personable, likable, accessible, big smile...the Superman nickname obviously isn't the only thing he has in common with Shaq) but this story is even better than finding out about him knocking up a Magic cheerleader.
Well, there it is. A three-part NBA preview sure to go down in history with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings as far as trilogies go. Enjoy. Fin.
My parents were not born when that movie was released. Outdated references for the win?
San Antonio Spurs- Hanginaround by Counting Crows. Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich have been bummin around San Antonio for way, way, way, way too long. As a Lakers fan I find it maddening, but they’ve been the most consistent team in the league since Duncan arrived in 1997. After the Lakers mini-dynasty came to an end in 2002, my preseason pick for NBA champion has been the Spurs. Every year (except 2004). And I was right half the time. It was a pretty good system. But I am not picking them this year despite this being the deepest, most well-rounded Spurs team since…umm…ever? Why, you ask? The NBA is a superstar league and I don’t have faith that the Spurs three stars will be healthy in April, May and June. Duncan was one of the five best players in the league as recently as the first half of last season but was moving worse than Jimmy from South Park last spring. Manu Ginobili, who at full strength is as good as any shooting guard not named Kobe or Dwyane, does not exactly inspire Bruce Willis comparisons (an Unbreakable reference but that applies to Die Hardas well).He gets hurt more often than Taylor Swift's (marry me) feelings but he's only playing thirty minutes per game while Taylor was exploring the boundaries of love with one of the Jonas Brothers (I promise the link is non-pornographic). The two are clearly not comparable. Man up, Manu. And to make matters worse Tony Parker is…French. And a French rap star, at that. Anyway, Popovich will limit everyone’s minutes during the regular season as the Spurs cruise to fifty-five wins and a division title without exerting themselves until February but, in the end, I don’t see it working. (I know perfectly well this prediction will come back to bite me in the ass during the upcoming Western Conference Finals. I should have gone with the jinx. Or the reverse-jinx. Or the fake reverse-jinx. Whichever was applicable here. I get confused.)
Cleveland Cavaliers- Semi-Charmed Kinda Life by Third Eye Blind. Poor Clevelanders/Clevelandites/Clevelandanders. Drew Carey and Terrence Howard are the most famous/successful celebrities to represent Cleveland in the past fifty years. That should be enough torture for one metropolitan area but the sports teams just wouldn't leave well enough alone. I was going to give a summary of all of the misery and heartbreak but this sums it up fairly well. The modern versions of football and basketball have been played for around fifty years. In those fifty years there are three single plays known as “The Shot,” “The Fumble” and “The Drive.” All came at the expense of Cleveland teams. That is not good. Also, the related videos all have titles like “The Cleveland Curse” and “Cleveland Sports- Where Failure Happens.” It seems to be a popular topic. That is definitely not good. This is the first reason why I don’t think Cleveland will win the title even though LeBron James is the best player in the world (and that should not be a debate…unless Kobe continues his dominance and efficiency in the post, knock on wood). The second reason is that the rest of the Cavaliers still...kinda suck. The Cavs' second best player (Shaq or Mo Williams) would be the fourth or fifth best player on the Lakers, Celtics, Spurs or Magic. The third reason is that Mike Brown more than kinda sucks at coaching offense. The fourth reason is that Shaq is more than kinda fat. No, but seriously, Shaq’s on his way. This is what he looked like at LSU and this is what he looked like with Miami. Imagine when he stops playing and spends all his time eating donuts as the most intimidating police officer in the history of the world. Yes, even more intimidating than the Hot Cops. The fifth reason is that Google’s top nine suggested searches after typing in Delonte West are as follows…1) Delonte West herpes 2) Delonte West girlfriend 3) Delonte West arrested 4) Delonte West kfc 5) Delonte West hot sauce 6) Delonte West race 7) Delonte West rap 8) Delonte West depression 9) Delonte West donuts. The herpes was just an unfortunately located birth mark but these links should explain most of the rest…KFC rap, crazy girlfriend and arrest. People seem to think Delonte was carrying a bit too much firepower for an evening ride on his motorcycle. Those people failed to take notice of the location of Delonte's arrest. Prince George's County. I’m with you, Delonte. And I hope you get a handle on your depression and make it back onto the court soon. As I noted earlier, the Cavs need all the help they can get.
NOTE: I like how I phrased the last couple sentences as if Delonte was going to read this blog. Good times.
Boston Celtics- Bump N’ Grind by R. Kelly. This song is only intended to highlight the Celtics physical style of defense. Boston has used that defense to jump out to an 8-1 start and has looked like the best team in the league. The point guard has arms like Mr. Fantastic and claims he can run the forty-yard dash in 3.9 seconds. The power forward is one of the fifteen best defensive players ever. The center looks like this, so you know he's not on the court for his offense. Boston's best six players are the best in the league but I don't think they're going to win their second championship in three years. I have more than a feeling that Garnett of new isn't quite the Garnett of old. I've got less of a feeling (more of a hopeful thing going on, really) that this makes the difference in the Celtics season. (See Spurs comment about jinxes.)
Los Angeles Lakers- A Whole New World from Aladdin. There was a 100% chance that I was using this song when I originally came up with the 90s music theme. And what makes more sense than using my favorite song from my favorite childhood movie to describe my favorite basketball team? The Lakers' world as defending NBA champions is quite a bit different than the one in which this group of players was looking for their first title. For starters, there is the natural problem of staying focused and motivated while other teams have improved their rosters to match-up with the Lakers. Lamar Odom married the ugly Kardashian and now appears set to become a pseudo-reality TV star. Jordan Farmar, Pau Gasol and Pau Gasol's indefinitely injured hamstring are appearing on CSI episodes. Sasha Vujacic is dating Maria Sharapova (Sasha cleans up in L.A.). Andrew Bynum has set a personal goal of becoming an all-star and has become a black hole of sorts in the post. And then there is the addition of Crazy Pills. Crazy Pills (Ron Artest) traded places with Trevor Ariza over the summer and brings an element of...volatility to the team. My personal thoughts are that it was a good signing for the next two years but a poor long-term move (though that is defensible considering the Lakers desire to maximize their chances during Kobe's prime). I'm not worried about a (slightly) older, (slightly) wiser Artest flinging himself into any melees and I'm not worried too much about his off the court...quirks. I am worried about his declining quickness and issues defending smaller players but nearly every contender's primary scoring option from the wing is a physical player (Carmelo in Denver, LeBron in Cleveland, Pierce in Boston, kind of Carter in Orlando) so in the games and series that will decide the season this shouldn't be an issue this season. I am not worried about his three-point shooting (better than Ariza's) or his passing ability (underrated). I am worried about his willingness to pass as the season progresses (and Gasol comes back and he sees less of the ball) but hopefully Kobe and Phil can keep him focused for the duration. The addition of Artest gives the Lakers the highest ceiling in the league (as shown by a 6-1 start without Gasol at all and without Bynum for two games). The frontcourt talent is absurd, really. I only have the Lakers as Western Conference champions because of anticipated defensive shortcomings. The Lakers will be a good defensive team but whichever team comes out of the East will be a great defensive team. Of all the drama surrounding the Lakers that was mentioned earlier, the only piece of information that was pertinent to their title chances was Bynum's goal of becoming an all-star. He will probably reach his goal if he stays healthy for the first half of the season but the points he will score may come at the expense of defensive effort and the Lakers need Andrew Bynum protecting the rim and defending the likes of Dwight Howard. The Lakers certainly should feed Bynum in the post at times but the offense takes off when Pau plays a larger role and Kobe is able to receive the ball in the post. It's my personal, eternally pessimistic belief that things won't quite all fit together well enough to win the championship this season (but I'm fine with being wrong...just in this particular case, though).
Orlando Magic- No Scrubs by TLC. Quality music. R.I.P. Left Eye. The Magic were my preseason pick to win the championship. They can go big, they can go small, they can stretch the floor with shooters and they have the best big man in the league. The Magic made the NBA Finals last year and improved their small forward position (Vince Carter was better last season than Turkoglu in every single way, even playmaking, look it up) and point guard position (healthy Jameer Nelson is back and better than Skip To My Lou) while improving their depth. One through twelve there are no scrubs on this roster. We're now two weeks into the season and I don't feel nearly as good about this as I did a month ago. Boston is playing historically good defense at the moment and Orlando doesn't match up particularly well with the Celtics (seven game series last year without KG). But I'm sticking with my pick even though the Magic will be relying on Vince Carter in crunch time of close games. Aw, hell, I should have thought this through more...
NOTE: Hilarious Dwight Howard story. I'm not exactly sure why the media portrays him as a saint (actually I do...personable, likable, accessible, big smile...the Superman nickname obviously isn't the only thing he has in common with Shaq) but this story is even better than finding out about him knocking up a Magic cheerleader.
Well, there it is. A three-part NBA preview sure to go down in history with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings as far as trilogies go. Enjoy. Fin.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The NBA Preview That Was (Part Two: 90s Music Edition)...
I love the 1990s. And if Vh1 has taught me anything, and I would like to believe it has taught me many a thing, it's that everybody else loves the 90s, too. So I have decided to tie this portion of the NBA preview together by assigning each team a song from the 90s that further fleshes out their fates and fortunes for the forthcoming season. Never let it be said that I don't give the people what they want...
Teams That May Be Really Good, Really Bad, Decidedly Mediocre But Most Definitely Entertaining
Houston Rockets- All the Small Things by Blink 182. The Rockets will outwork you on the offensive glass. They will correctly rotate to perimeter shooters. They will execute well out of timeouts and in end-of-game scenarios. They will draw charges. They will do all of the small things short of leaving roses by the stairs (surprises let you know she cares). Houston will wind up a poor man’s version of the 2003-06 Detroit Pistons. They will rely on balanced scoring from eight average to above-average players, be well coached and play good defense (normally would be great defense but without Yao there is no shot-blocking presence on the interior). However…the media likes story lines. The media likes offense. The media likes stars. All of these factors will contribute to the following sequence of events: 1) Rockets enter the season with little fanfare and are picked to miss the playoffs by most experts (check). 2) Rockets start the year off “surprisingly” well (signs point to a check). 3) A rash of articles appear describing the Rockets as “a group of overachievers,” “gutty,” “tough” and “unheralded” (coming soon). 4) Everyone remembers the Rockets aren’t exciting and forget about the team around the All-Star break (coming later). 5) Rockets sneak into the playoffs and take their first round opponent to six or seven games before bowing out of the postseason (coming eventually). Write it down.
Washington Wizards- The Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony. Okay, so maybe this song honored the diseased Eazy-E and most of the lyrics can’t be related to basketball in any way, shape or form, but let’s take a look at the intro… “Now tell me whatchu gonna do when there ain’t nowhere to run, when judgment comes for you (when judgment comes for you). And whatchu gonna do when there ain’t nowhere to hide, when judgment comes for you (cause it’s gonna come for you).” Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood are coming back from injury. Will they remain injury-free and contribute as they did when last healthy? Mike Miller, Randy Foye and Francisco Oberto were acquired to add depth to the squad. Can they fit into new schemes with new teammates? The talented Andray Blatche is entering his fifth year, Nick Young is now 24 and Javale McGee is no longer a rookie. Can any of them develop the consistency and focus needed to succeed in this league? Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison are still very productive but can they be leaders on a playoff team? Flip Saunders enters as the new Wizards coach, he of the seven 50-win regular seasons and zero NBA Finals appearances. Can he find the right combination of players to bring respectability back to Washington sports(because the Redskins and Nationals sure ain’t gonna do it)? One way or another, judgment will be passed down on all of these questions. For my money, I think the Wizards will rally to win 45 games and make the playoffs. They are the most likely dark horse candidate among the middling teams in the Eastern Conference. They are also the most likely to implode under an injury-riddled roster and slump to an unbelievably disappointing 25-win season. They do indeed stand at the crossroads.
Toronto Raptors- Around the World by Red Hot Chili Peppers. The starting point guard hails from Spain while the small forward is Turkey’s version of Michael Jordan (the competition for that title is not quite as strong in Turkey…yeah…). The starting center was drafted out of Rome and the backup center was born in the Artist Formerly Known as Yugoslavia. Throw in another Italian for good measure and it’s obvious that Toronto General Manager Bryan Colangelo agrees that “life is beautiful around the world.” And when foreign free agents say hello, he certainly says “I do.” The Raptors will be one of the most efficient offensive teams in basketball and will score enough points to contend for a playoff spot. They will also be one of the worst defensive teams in basketball and thus probably ensure themselves a first round exit from the aforementioned playoffs. The Raptors have enough talent to make some noise and scare the elite teams in the Eastern Conference but does anyone really think a ragtag bunch of Europeans will band together and suddenly play inspired defense? Didn’t think so.
Phoenix Suns- Losing a Whole Year by Third Eye Blind. Don’t let the door hit you (and your gigantic ass) on the way out, Shaquille. Last year the Suns changed their identity from a fast-paced, exciting team built around Steve Nash that was a bit of good luck away from winning an NBA championship to a conventional, boring, mediocre squad built around Shaquille O'Neal that missed the playoffs and pouted more than Owen Wilson in the second half of Wedding Crashers. Fortunately for Phoenix fans, the Suns of old are back after a one-year hiatus and are already scoring points in bunches. Unfortunately for Phoenix fans, the Suns don’t have as much talent as in years past and can’t make a serious run at the title with the current squad. Oh well.
Utah Jazz- Redundant by Green Day. “We're living in repetition, content in the same old shtick again. Now the routine is turning to contention…” This will be the fourth season that Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur, Paul Millsap and Andrei Kirilenko have served as the backbone of the Jazz. Year One- Lost in Western Conference Finals. Year Two- Lost in Western Conference Semifinals. Year Three- Lost in First Round. Andrei Kirilenko is playing out of position, looks uncomfortable on the court and appears to be a shell of his former self. Carlos Boozer would like to be traded. Paul Millsap just signed a large contract but can’t play substantial minutes while Boozer is still on the team. Contentious, indeed. The Jazz possess talent and a definitive home court advantage but can’t seem to put everything together. Part of the problem is that the roster may be, dare I say, redundant as Boozer, Millsap, Okur and Kirilenko all function best when playing power forward. Unfortunately this leaves them only a truck party and three shoot-first point guards away from the standard set by the 2005-2006 New York Knicks.
Teams That Are Almost Good But Aren't Exciting In Any Way
Atlanta Hawks- ATLiens by Outkast. This is a great song that has nothing to do with the Hawks other than the Atlanta connection. It’s my preview; I’ll do what I want. I don’t have much to say about the Hawks. They are good but not great. They have a nice group of young players but no future star. Joe Johnson can do it all but isn’t quite a superstar, bonafide, number-one option.
Dallas Mavericks- Still D.R.E. by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg. Dr. Dre found fame as a member of N.W.A in the late 1980s and early 1990s despite the refusal of mainstream radio to play N.W.A. songs due to explicit lyrics. Dirk Nowitzki burst onto the scene in 2000 for an exciting Dallas Mavericks team despite being a big, ugly German dude. Dre left N.W.A. to pursue a solo career and released the groundbreaking album The Chronic in 1992. Steve Nash and Michael Finley left the Mavericks but Dirk led Dallas to the NBA Finals in 2006 before capturing an MVP award in 2007 during a 67-win season. Dre went seven years before releasing another album and somewhat fell off the map before signing Eminem in 1998 and releasing 2001 (containing the single Still D.R.E.) in 1999. Dre was still Dre but you got the feeling it just wasn’t quite the same. The Mavericks lost in the first round of the playoffs during that 2007 season and have scuttled about in the middle of the Western Conference ever since. Dallas fans hope that Shawn Marion and a healthy Josh Howard will improve their fortunes. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t but either way it won’t quite be the same as old.
Teams That Are Good But Still Can't Win The Title
Denver Nuggets- Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill. Kenyon Martin once graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. The featured article focused half on basketball and half on his thug image and self proclamation of being a "Bad Ass Yellow Boy." Chris Anderson received a two-year ban for violating the substance abuse policy, responds to the nickname "Birdman" and looks like this. Carmelo Anthony appeared in a home-made DVD entitled "Stop Snitchin" and has a "controversies" section on his Wikipedia page. Nene only has one name. J.R. Smith is the craziest player on the team and we haven't even gotten to him, yet. Hi-jinks will certainly ensue but the real reason they won't win the title is a lack of depth. Anthony Carter, Joey Graham and Renaldo Balkman have already started games for the Nuggets and that is a very bad sign.
Portland TrailBlazers- Smooth by Santana ft. Rob Thomas. This one goes out to...Greg Oden! We kid because we love, Greg. More fittingly, this goes out to...Brandon Roy. Portland knows what it's going to get from most of it's roster and that includes Roy, perhaps the smoothest player in the NBA and a legitimate superstar. LaMarcus Aldridge is a nice player but he will not be the second best player on an NBA champion...which means that Portland will go exactly as far as Greg Oden takes them. Hmmm...
The five teams that can actually win the title will be Part Three. Yeah...three parts. So necessary. Fin.
Teams That May Be Really Good, Really Bad, Decidedly Mediocre But Most Definitely Entertaining
Houston Rockets- All the Small Things by Blink 182. The Rockets will outwork you on the offensive glass. They will correctly rotate to perimeter shooters. They will execute well out of timeouts and in end-of-game scenarios. They will draw charges. They will do all of the small things short of leaving roses by the stairs (surprises let you know she cares). Houston will wind up a poor man’s version of the 2003-06 Detroit Pistons. They will rely on balanced scoring from eight average to above-average players, be well coached and play good defense (normally would be great defense but without Yao there is no shot-blocking presence on the interior). However…the media likes story lines. The media likes offense. The media likes stars. All of these factors will contribute to the following sequence of events: 1) Rockets enter the season with little fanfare and are picked to miss the playoffs by most experts (check). 2) Rockets start the year off “surprisingly” well (signs point to a check). 3) A rash of articles appear describing the Rockets as “a group of overachievers,” “gutty,” “tough” and “unheralded” (coming soon). 4) Everyone remembers the Rockets aren’t exciting and forget about the team around the All-Star break (coming later). 5) Rockets sneak into the playoffs and take their first round opponent to six or seven games before bowing out of the postseason (coming eventually). Write it down.
Washington Wizards- The Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony. Okay, so maybe this song honored the diseased Eazy-E and most of the lyrics can’t be related to basketball in any way, shape or form, but let’s take a look at the intro… “Now tell me whatchu gonna do when there ain’t nowhere to run, when judgment comes for you (when judgment comes for you). And whatchu gonna do when there ain’t nowhere to hide, when judgment comes for you (cause it’s gonna come for you).” Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood are coming back from injury. Will they remain injury-free and contribute as they did when last healthy? Mike Miller, Randy Foye and Francisco Oberto were acquired to add depth to the squad. Can they fit into new schemes with new teammates? The talented Andray Blatche is entering his fifth year, Nick Young is now 24 and Javale McGee is no longer a rookie. Can any of them develop the consistency and focus needed to succeed in this league? Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison are still very productive but can they be leaders on a playoff team? Flip Saunders enters as the new Wizards coach, he of the seven 50-win regular seasons and zero NBA Finals appearances. Can he find the right combination of players to bring respectability back to Washington sports(because the Redskins and Nationals sure ain’t gonna do it)? One way or another, judgment will be passed down on all of these questions. For my money, I think the Wizards will rally to win 45 games and make the playoffs. They are the most likely dark horse candidate among the middling teams in the Eastern Conference. They are also the most likely to implode under an injury-riddled roster and slump to an unbelievably disappointing 25-win season. They do indeed stand at the crossroads.
Toronto Raptors- Around the World by Red Hot Chili Peppers. The starting point guard hails from Spain while the small forward is Turkey’s version of Michael Jordan (the competition for that title is not quite as strong in Turkey…yeah…). The starting center was drafted out of Rome and the backup center was born in the Artist Formerly Known as Yugoslavia. Throw in another Italian for good measure and it’s obvious that Toronto General Manager Bryan Colangelo agrees that “life is beautiful around the world.” And when foreign free agents say hello, he certainly says “I do.” The Raptors will be one of the most efficient offensive teams in basketball and will score enough points to contend for a playoff spot. They will also be one of the worst defensive teams in basketball and thus probably ensure themselves a first round exit from the aforementioned playoffs. The Raptors have enough talent to make some noise and scare the elite teams in the Eastern Conference but does anyone really think a ragtag bunch of Europeans will band together and suddenly play inspired defense? Didn’t think so.
Phoenix Suns- Losing a Whole Year by Third Eye Blind. Don’t let the door hit you (and your gigantic ass) on the way out, Shaquille. Last year the Suns changed their identity from a fast-paced, exciting team built around Steve Nash that was a bit of good luck away from winning an NBA championship to a conventional, boring, mediocre squad built around Shaquille O'Neal that missed the playoffs and pouted more than Owen Wilson in the second half of Wedding Crashers. Fortunately for Phoenix fans, the Suns of old are back after a one-year hiatus and are already scoring points in bunches. Unfortunately for Phoenix fans, the Suns don’t have as much talent as in years past and can’t make a serious run at the title with the current squad. Oh well.
Utah Jazz- Redundant by Green Day. “We're living in repetition, content in the same old shtick again. Now the routine is turning to contention…” This will be the fourth season that Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur, Paul Millsap and Andrei Kirilenko have served as the backbone of the Jazz. Year One- Lost in Western Conference Finals. Year Two- Lost in Western Conference Semifinals. Year Three- Lost in First Round. Andrei Kirilenko is playing out of position, looks uncomfortable on the court and appears to be a shell of his former self. Carlos Boozer would like to be traded. Paul Millsap just signed a large contract but can’t play substantial minutes while Boozer is still on the team. Contentious, indeed. The Jazz possess talent and a definitive home court advantage but can’t seem to put everything together. Part of the problem is that the roster may be, dare I say, redundant as Boozer, Millsap, Okur and Kirilenko all function best when playing power forward. Unfortunately this leaves them only a truck party and three shoot-first point guards away from the standard set by the 2005-2006 New York Knicks.
Teams That Are Almost Good But Aren't Exciting In Any Way
Atlanta Hawks- ATLiens by Outkast. This is a great song that has nothing to do with the Hawks other than the Atlanta connection. It’s my preview; I’ll do what I want. I don’t have much to say about the Hawks. They are good but not great. They have a nice group of young players but no future star. Joe Johnson can do it all but isn’t quite a superstar, bonafide, number-one option.
Dallas Mavericks- Still D.R.E. by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg. Dr. Dre found fame as a member of N.W.A in the late 1980s and early 1990s despite the refusal of mainstream radio to play N.W.A. songs due to explicit lyrics. Dirk Nowitzki burst onto the scene in 2000 for an exciting Dallas Mavericks team despite being a big, ugly German dude. Dre left N.W.A. to pursue a solo career and released the groundbreaking album The Chronic in 1992. Steve Nash and Michael Finley left the Mavericks but Dirk led Dallas to the NBA Finals in 2006 before capturing an MVP award in 2007 during a 67-win season. Dre went seven years before releasing another album and somewhat fell off the map before signing Eminem in 1998 and releasing 2001 (containing the single Still D.R.E.) in 1999. Dre was still Dre but you got the feeling it just wasn’t quite the same. The Mavericks lost in the first round of the playoffs during that 2007 season and have scuttled about in the middle of the Western Conference ever since. Dallas fans hope that Shawn Marion and a healthy Josh Howard will improve their fortunes. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t but either way it won’t quite be the same as old.
Teams That Are Good But Still Can't Win The Title
Denver Nuggets- Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill. Kenyon Martin once graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. The featured article focused half on basketball and half on his thug image and self proclamation of being a "Bad Ass Yellow Boy." Chris Anderson received a two-year ban for violating the substance abuse policy, responds to the nickname "Birdman" and looks like this. Carmelo Anthony appeared in a home-made DVD entitled "Stop Snitchin" and has a "controversies" section on his Wikipedia page. Nene only has one name. J.R. Smith is the craziest player on the team and we haven't even gotten to him, yet. Hi-jinks will certainly ensue but the real reason they won't win the title is a lack of depth. Anthony Carter, Joey Graham and Renaldo Balkman have already started games for the Nuggets and that is a very bad sign.
Portland TrailBlazers- Smooth by Santana ft. Rob Thomas. This one goes out to...Greg Oden! We kid because we love, Greg. More fittingly, this goes out to...Brandon Roy. Portland knows what it's going to get from most of it's roster and that includes Roy, perhaps the smoothest player in the NBA and a legitimate superstar. LaMarcus Aldridge is a nice player but he will not be the second best player on an NBA champion...which means that Portland will go exactly as far as Greg Oden takes them. Hmmm...
The five teams that can actually win the title will be Part Three. Yeah...three parts. So necessary. Fin.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The NBA Preview That Was (Part One)...
I’m currently watching the Yankees celebrate their 27th World Series victory (ugh). Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira just thanked God for leading him to New York and giving him that first World Series ring. We can probably cut him some slack considering the moment but confusing God for the $180 million contract he signed over the winter is borderline blasphemy. Hideki Matsui won MVP and then conducted one of the more awkward trophy presentations that didn’t involve Joey Buss (it was ten times worse live), as the questions and his answers had to be translated through his interpreter. Faced with the prospect of dealing with insufferable Red Sox and Yankees fans for the indefinite future, I can only turn to the upcoming NBA season and the DEFENDING CHAMPION LOS ANGELES LAKERS. Nice. As promised here is part one of my NBA preview…
Teams That Suck And May Cause Repeated Eye Gouging Upon Watching Their Games
Sacramento Kings- If you are Jewish feel free to transfer the Kings into the ‘Teams That Suck But Still Kinda, Sorta Matter’ section. Omri Casspi is the first Israeli to play in the NBA and will see around twenty minutes per game as a rookie. Other than that the only things of note for the Kings are Kevin Martin’s scoring ability (efficient and impressive), backup point guard Beno Udrih contract (an outrageous $33 million over five years) and Andres Nocioni’s ugliness (astounding).
Minnesota Timberwolves- Ricky Rubio is my second favorite basketball player on the planet. The Timberwolves drafted Rubio but could not agree to a contract. On the one hand I am happy that Ricky doesn’t have to freeze his Spanish ass off in Minnesota for the next two years. On the other I feel cheated despite the availability of his Euroleague games on ESPN360. (I’m practicing plugging ESPN so it will come naturally when I write for them later on in life.) On my third hand I realize that I will never, ever, ever watch a Minnesota game this year and can't name even half of the members of the team.
Milwaukee Bucks- They are a reminder to fans everywhere that you can’t judge a book by its’ cover or a player by his name. Brandon Jennings, Hakim Warrick and Michael Redd sound like they could spearhead a playoff team. They can’t. Unfortunately for the Bucks, former number one pick Andrew Bogut is exactly as good as he sounds. Apparently Keith Van Horn and Alex Smith (NFL) had not already proven that it’s a bad idea to spend a top two pick on a white guy from the University of Utah. Professional franchises everywhere should thank the Bucks for making this abundantly clear.
Indiana Pacers- There are six white guys on the roster. Four will play substantial minutes. I’m not even counting Europeans. I’m talking Middle American white. I’m talking straight from the heartland white. I’m talking last names like McRoberts and Murphy white. In what may be a related note, the Pacers lack athleticism and will struggle defensively.
New York Knicks- Due to the unfortunate fact that Larry Hughes is the third best player on the roster you can write this season off for the Knickerbockers. The whole franchise is looking forward to next summer with the hope of signing LeBron James during the free agency period. They won’t because the recession has cut the salary cap and thus their spending power and…well…LeBron isn’t coming to play with scrubs. Sorry New York. Go bask in the glow of your World Series championship.
Golden State Warriors- Stephen Curry and Anthony Randolph are two of the five players under the age of twenty-one most likely to give sportswriters a boner when discussing their respective games and overwhelming talent. Don Nelson is the Warriors coach and decidedly very un-sportswriterlike so he will yank around their playing time, destroy their rhythm and confidence and run the team into the ground without even pretending to care. Thus the placement in this section instead of…
Teams That Suck But Still Kinda, Sorta Matter For Reasons That Have Nothing To Do With The Quality Of Play On The Court
New Jersey Nets- Only because the owner is a 6’9’’ playboy Russian gazillionaire who allegedly arranged for prostitutes to offer their services to guests at his extravagant Christmas party in 2007. There is no way this doesn’t help draw NBA free agents next summer when the Nets will have around $20 million in salary cap space. May be the worst team in the league at the moment but with two signings next summer to complement young stars Devin Harris and Brook Lopez…watch out.
Memphis Grizzlies- The train wreck of the year will be fascinating to watch. They have a legitimate chance to set the record for fewest assists by an NBA team. Rudy Gay and O.J Mayo are already shouting at each other on the sidelines. Allen Iverson is complaining about playing time after one game. Zach Randolph has been known to occasionally suckerpunch teammates in practice and far more frequently partake in the smoking of marijuana. Marcus Williams was suspended in college for trying to sell stolen laptops. E! should probably look into an all-access reality tv show. It would probably draw higher ratings than the actual games. (EDIT: Marko Jaric is on the Grizzlies! This show would definitely draw higher ratings than Memphis games because Adriana Lima could make appearances!!!)
Team That Is Cursed
Los Angeles Clippers- The potentially dynamic franchise player (Baron Davis) remains out of shape, slightly hobbled and more than slightly bearded. The future of the franchise (Blake Griffin) has suffered three injuries in the handful of months he has been a Clipper after a relatively injury-free college career. Chris Kaman cut his hair to the chagrin of hecklers everywhere. Eric Gordon has been saddled with the nickname “Hobbit,” which probably doesn’t encourage a lengthy stay in L.A. for the young shooting guard. I see no good things despite a reasonable amount of talent. And they are still the Clippers so…yeah…
Team That Everyone Loves And Doesn’t Matter…Yet
Oklahoma City Thunder- Kevin Durant will be great but Russell Westbrook makes the biggest improvement. James Harden’s game has been described as mature coming out of Arizona State but I think seventy-five percent of that is the beard influencing your opinion (props on the bowtie as well). It's like Baron Davis' beard except the complete opposite. Instead of making Harden look like a hobo, it gives him the appearance of maturity and wisdom beyond his years. The Thunder have been labeled a potential “sleeper” but are now slightly overrated because everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. They remain one year away from making the leap.
Eastern Conference Teams That Are Mediocre And I Considered Leaving Out Of This Preview So Feel Free To Skip To The Next Section
Charlotte Bobcats- They won’t make the playoffs because I would be their number three option on offense. See what I did there? That’s a bit of an exaggeration to make a point about the inept nature of the Bobcats offense. I wouldn’t be the third option. That’s ridiculous. I would be fifth.
Detroit Pistons – Your biggest free agent signing should be able to grow hair. I’m a firm believer of this guideline. The Pistons broke this rule by signing Charlie Villanueva for $35 million. Also, the starting center is Ben Wallace. Furthermore, Kwame Brown will play twenty minutes per game. It’s never a good thing if you reach the ‘Furthermore’ transition while discussing flaws in an NBA team. In a coincidental convergence of statistics, eight is the number of points Kwame and Wallace will score per game as well as the number of glares they will receive every game from teammates after fumbling catchable passes out of bounds.
Chicago Bulls- Cliff Notes. Derrick Rose makes this team worth watching. Everyone hates Joakim Noah. Luol Deng is British. John Salmons’ production will drop significantly. Vinny Del Negro is a terrible coach.
Philadelphia 76ers- Louis Williams is a nice sleeper for fantasy basketball. Marreese Speights fits in better with this team than Elton Brand and his gigantic, franchise-killing contract but won’t get minutes because he doesn’t make $15 million per year. Too bad?
Teams With Shaky Supporting Casts That Force Future Hall Of Famers To Waste Their Primes Carrying Mediocre Teammates To .500 Records And First-Round Playoff Exits
Miami Heat- Dwyane Wade. At least he’s already got a ring and the Heat have enough money to pursue another superstar in free agency. Plus, second-year players Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley should improve and the Heat should make the playoffs again which might be more than can be said of the...
New Orleans Hornets- Chris Paul. Emeka Okafor and David West are solid. Ummm…apparently Morris Peterson is still starting? The supporting cast is so bad that Mateen Cleaves, his backcourt mate from MSU, could probably earn some burn. According to Wikipedia, Mateen is playing for the Bakersfield Jam after stints in Russia, Greece, and Fayetteville. I still like his chances.
Part Two will be forthcoming...with like you know...the teams that actually matter and stuff...Fin.
Teams That Suck And May Cause Repeated Eye Gouging Upon Watching Their Games
Sacramento Kings- If you are Jewish feel free to transfer the Kings into the ‘Teams That Suck But Still Kinda, Sorta Matter’ section. Omri Casspi is the first Israeli to play in the NBA and will see around twenty minutes per game as a rookie. Other than that the only things of note for the Kings are Kevin Martin’s scoring ability (efficient and impressive), backup point guard Beno Udrih contract (an outrageous $33 million over five years) and Andres Nocioni’s ugliness (astounding).
Minnesota Timberwolves- Ricky Rubio is my second favorite basketball player on the planet. The Timberwolves drafted Rubio but could not agree to a contract. On the one hand I am happy that Ricky doesn’t have to freeze his Spanish ass off in Minnesota for the next two years. On the other I feel cheated despite the availability of his Euroleague games on ESPN360. (I’m practicing plugging ESPN so it will come naturally when I write for them later on in life.) On my third hand I realize that I will never, ever, ever watch a Minnesota game this year and can't name even half of the members of the team.
Milwaukee Bucks- They are a reminder to fans everywhere that you can’t judge a book by its’ cover or a player by his name. Brandon Jennings, Hakim Warrick and Michael Redd sound like they could spearhead a playoff team. They can’t. Unfortunately for the Bucks, former number one pick Andrew Bogut is exactly as good as he sounds. Apparently Keith Van Horn and Alex Smith (NFL) had not already proven that it’s a bad idea to spend a top two pick on a white guy from the University of Utah. Professional franchises everywhere should thank the Bucks for making this abundantly clear.
Indiana Pacers- There are six white guys on the roster. Four will play substantial minutes. I’m not even counting Europeans. I’m talking Middle American white. I’m talking straight from the heartland white. I’m talking last names like McRoberts and Murphy white. In what may be a related note, the Pacers lack athleticism and will struggle defensively.
New York Knicks- Due to the unfortunate fact that Larry Hughes is the third best player on the roster you can write this season off for the Knickerbockers. The whole franchise is looking forward to next summer with the hope of signing LeBron James during the free agency period. They won’t because the recession has cut the salary cap and thus their spending power and…well…LeBron isn’t coming to play with scrubs. Sorry New York. Go bask in the glow of your World Series championship.
Golden State Warriors- Stephen Curry and Anthony Randolph are two of the five players under the age of twenty-one most likely to give sportswriters a boner when discussing their respective games and overwhelming talent. Don Nelson is the Warriors coach and decidedly very un-sportswriterlike so he will yank around their playing time, destroy their rhythm and confidence and run the team into the ground without even pretending to care. Thus the placement in this section instead of…
Teams That Suck But Still Kinda, Sorta Matter For Reasons That Have Nothing To Do With The Quality Of Play On The Court
New Jersey Nets- Only because the owner is a 6’9’’ playboy Russian gazillionaire who allegedly arranged for prostitutes to offer their services to guests at his extravagant Christmas party in 2007. There is no way this doesn’t help draw NBA free agents next summer when the Nets will have around $20 million in salary cap space. May be the worst team in the league at the moment but with two signings next summer to complement young stars Devin Harris and Brook Lopez…watch out.
Memphis Grizzlies- The train wreck of the year will be fascinating to watch. They have a legitimate chance to set the record for fewest assists by an NBA team. Rudy Gay and O.J Mayo are already shouting at each other on the sidelines. Allen Iverson is complaining about playing time after one game. Zach Randolph has been known to occasionally suckerpunch teammates in practice and far more frequently partake in the smoking of marijuana. Marcus Williams was suspended in college for trying to sell stolen laptops. E! should probably look into an all-access reality tv show. It would probably draw higher ratings than the actual games. (EDIT: Marko Jaric is on the Grizzlies! This show would definitely draw higher ratings than Memphis games because Adriana Lima could make appearances!!!)
Team That Is Cursed
Los Angeles Clippers- The potentially dynamic franchise player (Baron Davis) remains out of shape, slightly hobbled and more than slightly bearded. The future of the franchise (Blake Griffin) has suffered three injuries in the handful of months he has been a Clipper after a relatively injury-free college career. Chris Kaman cut his hair to the chagrin of hecklers everywhere. Eric Gordon has been saddled with the nickname “Hobbit,” which probably doesn’t encourage a lengthy stay in L.A. for the young shooting guard. I see no good things despite a reasonable amount of talent. And they are still the Clippers so…yeah…
Team That Everyone Loves And Doesn’t Matter…Yet
Oklahoma City Thunder- Kevin Durant will be great but Russell Westbrook makes the biggest improvement. James Harden’s game has been described as mature coming out of Arizona State but I think seventy-five percent of that is the beard influencing your opinion (props on the bowtie as well). It's like Baron Davis' beard except the complete opposite. Instead of making Harden look like a hobo, it gives him the appearance of maturity and wisdom beyond his years. The Thunder have been labeled a potential “sleeper” but are now slightly overrated because everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. They remain one year away from making the leap.
Eastern Conference Teams That Are Mediocre And I Considered Leaving Out Of This Preview So Feel Free To Skip To The Next Section
Charlotte Bobcats- They won’t make the playoffs because I would be their number three option on offense. See what I did there? That’s a bit of an exaggeration to make a point about the inept nature of the Bobcats offense. I wouldn’t be the third option. That’s ridiculous. I would be fifth.
Detroit Pistons – Your biggest free agent signing should be able to grow hair. I’m a firm believer of this guideline. The Pistons broke this rule by signing Charlie Villanueva for $35 million. Also, the starting center is Ben Wallace. Furthermore, Kwame Brown will play twenty minutes per game. It’s never a good thing if you reach the ‘Furthermore’ transition while discussing flaws in an NBA team. In a coincidental convergence of statistics, eight is the number of points Kwame and Wallace will score per game as well as the number of glares they will receive every game from teammates after fumbling catchable passes out of bounds.
Chicago Bulls- Cliff Notes. Derrick Rose makes this team worth watching. Everyone hates Joakim Noah. Luol Deng is British. John Salmons’ production will drop significantly. Vinny Del Negro is a terrible coach.
Philadelphia 76ers- Louis Williams is a nice sleeper for fantasy basketball. Marreese Speights fits in better with this team than Elton Brand and his gigantic, franchise-killing contract but won’t get minutes because he doesn’t make $15 million per year. Too bad?
Teams With Shaky Supporting Casts That Force Future Hall Of Famers To Waste Their Primes Carrying Mediocre Teammates To .500 Records And First-Round Playoff Exits
Miami Heat- Dwyane Wade. At least he’s already got a ring and the Heat have enough money to pursue another superstar in free agency. Plus, second-year players Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley should improve and the Heat should make the playoffs again which might be more than can be said of the...
New Orleans Hornets- Chris Paul. Emeka Okafor and David West are solid. Ummm…apparently Morris Peterson is still starting? The supporting cast is so bad that Mateen Cleaves, his backcourt mate from MSU, could probably earn some burn. According to Wikipedia, Mateen is playing for the Bakersfield Jam after stints in Russia, Greece, and Fayetteville. I still like his chances.
Part Two will be forthcoming...with like you know...the teams that actually matter and stuff...Fin.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The NBA Preview That Wasn't...
The real reason I’m writing this is because I still can’t sleep, don’t feel well and found my forays into my quite limited academic world a combination of unproductive, painful and dizzying (the bad kind). But we’ll move past that as I pose the question…Why should I bother writing an NBA preview that only four people will read? I love basketball. That’s the short version. I’m trying to keep it brief because I will inevitably spend the next hour of my time on tangential thoughts and mildly amusing ramblings as the intended preview evolves into some ten page monstrosity of unrelated musings. Let’s agree to simply write it off as the Bill Simmons influence made more pronounced by the late hour and leave it at that.
To illustrate my original point (the one about loving basketball…do try to keep up), I will now divulge a relevant story from the recent past. I mean recent past quite literally, this happened ten minutes ago. I spent the better part of the hour trying to justify spending $80 on an NBA league pass package so I could watch the 40-50 Lakers games that aren’t on national television. In the end I remembered that I am poor. I really should step up those babysitting hours, eh? What’s that? You wouldn’t want me watching your kids? Ridiculous. I babysit the shit out of those kids. Get some. I even managed to get the normally effusive five year old girl to start talking while I am in the room in just two short months! The trick is to wear them down. I’m like the waves lapping up against an outlying rock formation. I also have a monopoly on erosion references within supposed NBA previews. Despite these two…assets, I feel like my skill-set might be misused in my current situation. It’s kind of like the Wizards sticking shoot-first Gilbert Arenas at point guard and thinking they can contend in the Eastern Conference. A-ha! A basketball reference! But seriously, name me a great team built around a shoot-first point guard. If it didn’t happen with Oscar Robertson or Pete Maravich, then Agent Zero isn’t pulling it off. While Gilbert is masquerading as a point guard, hitting game-winners, leading Washington to a bounce back season and giving Wizards fans everywhere false hope; I’m masquerading as a babysitter instead of offering my services in a different way. So with a shout-out to the Joker and the four infomercials I have flipped through on television in the past fifteen minutes...here...we...go...
Do you have trouble controlling your child but want to avoid the public humiliation (and the 15 minutes of fame) of appearing on SuperNanny or Nanny 911? Just want those lousy offspring of yours to shut-up and give you ten minutes of peace and quiet? If so, then do I have a deal for you! For just ten dollars an hour I’ll mimic the effect a small dose of horse tranquilizer would have on your child! It’s like slipping Valium or a roofie into your kid’s dinner except it’s legal and not an egregious example of horrendous parenting (only a suspect one)! If you want your kid acting scared, shy and/or generally sedated, call now! And if you call in the next thirty minutes…I’ll throw in a second kid…FREE! That’s right, it’s a two-for-one! Almost like the day you found out you were having twins when you weren’t even ready for your first child and now they are both running amok and making your life a living hell! Everyone loves two-for-ones. This offer appears to be valid for a two month stretch only but is redeemable at any time. Available in the forty-eight contiguous states, except for the forty-seven that aren’t Maryland. Compensation for travel time and expenses not included.
I think I make at least one hundred dollars. Anyway, it’s unfortunate that I’m stuck watching the five year old instead of her decidedly more talkative thirteen year old sister (please keep the inappropriate jokes to yourself, this is a pedo-free zone). In what I’m sure is coincidental and merely happenstance, the older sister went through a similar pseudo-hostile phase in her youth but has been noticeably more communicative in the past year or two. The odds on the reason for this change are: I wore her down with my obvious charm and abundance of personality and now she simply can’t help but engage me in conversation (20-1), she thinks I’m, like, totally cool (kids might not know better, 25-1), she is a really nice kid and simply humors her neighbor (5-1), and she thinks I’m really, really, ridiculously good-looking (even). So I’ve probably got that going for me, which is nice. I think it’s safe to add the ‘suburban girls aged 12-15’ demographic to ‘married women aged 35-55’ on the list of demographics most responsive to my personality. I clearly have a calling to write bad Lifetime channel movies or teach at an all-girls private school. I’m more excited than the Pointer Sisters (heavy dose of sarcasm included).
Eight hundred words in and the preview hasn’t started yet? Some might call it unnecessary but I prefer to call it…a night. I’ll post the actual preview tomorrow. Maybe. Enjoy.
Note: I started this with the intention of writing a preview and not getting off-topic so “I’m trying to keep it brief because I will inevitably spend the next hour of my time on tangential thoughts and mildly amusing ramblings as the intended preview evolves into some ten page monstrosity of unrelated musings,” was merely an excellent example of foresight instead of a prediction added after the fact in my own self-serving interests. Which makes it quite unlike this note. Fin.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Back Again...
What's this? A new post? Oh well uh...glory be the funk's on me. Even though it features Misters Carter, Davis, Stackhouse and O'Neal (combined for zero championships and 16,729 ill-advised jump shots...methinks those two pieces of information may be related) the music in my head for the next week will consist mainly of "Keep That Funk Alive." Oh, how i adore thee Nike advertising department...
Anyway, before I start digressing from my digression let's bring our attention to the man who has inspired my return to the blogosphere and the forthcoming collection of links that can be best described as haphazard and sprawling. Usain Bolt. Just let that sink in for a moment...phew...okay. After witnessing Bolt obliterate his own world record in the 100m sprint with a time of 9.58 seconds, my excited but uncertain feelings toward Usain have undoubtedly developed into a full-fledged man-crush. Will my love go unrequited or will he be the Shawn to my Cory? The Turk to my JD? The Joey to my Chandler? Only time will tell but I am optimistic...or at least more optimistic than usual. And as 'Step A' in attracting the attention of track and field's American antagonist, I now alliteratively announce "Addy's Arbitrary Awards of Athletic Achievement (as seen on YouTube)" in honor of Jamaica's finest.
"Jumping Jack Flash, It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!"
White Boy Division
Bronze Medal- John Wendling completed his career at the University of Wyoming only to be drafted by the Buffalo Bills so this blog may garner more attention for Wendling than his exploits on the football field ever did.
Silver Medal- If you read the video information you will notice that this Henry Bekkering was also a high school honor student...in Canada! This not only solidifies his placement in the "White Boy Division," but shows that Henry is a well-rounded individual who surely will make his mark on the world! Stay in school, kids!
Gold Medal- (come on let's not kid ourselves)
In-Game Division
Bronze Medal- Joey Gathright is here representing all those athletic baseball players out there. Well really it's only Gathright and that guy who jumps over the car. Oh, you're saying that's Gathright, too? Well then...props to Joey at least...
Silver Medal- Unfortunately during his Redskins career LaVar did this as much as this.
Gold Medal- Vince Carter did more damage to the public's perception of France than the Germans ever could. Best. Dunk. Ever.
Apology
AMENDMENT- The catch is fifty seconds in. In lieu of this recent discovery I would like to offer a sincere apology to Beau Kittredge of Colorado and present him the sole PLATINUM MEDAL of the "White Boy Division." Congratulations Beau.
Overall
Bronze Medal- I guess this is cool. His record has stood for 18 years and counting so he's got that going for him. Plus, he never decided to try his hand at singing the national anthem.
Silver Medal (tie)- I think it's safe to say he's got quite the market for sub-6'0'' French dunkers from Algeria pretty well cornered.
Silver Medal (tie)- For its' place in history.
Gold Medal- 1) This video features Deion Sanders and Ken Griffey Jr. (my second favorite athlete of all-time). 2) Conley's first three dunks (the 3rd, 5th, and 7th shown) are quite impressive in their own right. 3) Two-handed?? From the free throw line?? With room to spare?? Really?? I hope my repeated use of question marks has displayed my incredulity. Wow. His son was drafted fourth overall in the NBA Draft but Mike Conley Jr. will never come close to doing anything nearly as impressive as his dad's dunking exhibition.
Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!
Soccer (duh)
Bronze Medal- The best two players in the world. Fortunately for Messi he has some skill with the ball at his feet because he is one ugly dude. My consolations on that, Leo. Though taking into account Ronaldo's undeniably good looks, arrogance, and the general lack of respect he displays toward opponents, it is rather unfortunate that he possesses similar skill.
Silver Medal- You might say that this is my favorite goal of all-time just as you might say that English announcers are perhaps a bit understated.
Gold Medal- CliffNotes version. The top ten is nice. The top five is rather extraordinary. Number two is on most lists as one of the best goals of all-time. Number one is the best free kick ever.
Honorable Mention- You come for the soccer, you stay for the Busta Rhymes. This is the first of a four part series featuring the top 100 goals of all-time in the opinion of one onlygoalburns. I have watched all four parts (naturally) but 45 minutes of scissor kicks and mazy runs through the midfield might be a bit much for our A.D.D. audience. In fact, I'm surprised any of you made it this far. Feel free to navigate through the related videos to see any and/or all of the best goals.
"You're way too beautiful girl that's why it'll never work.."
Sean Kingston! Somebody call 911! Usain is fire burning on the dance floor! Anyway...as you can see by the lyrical introduction I have already faced the facts and recognized that Usain may be a touch out of league. But that's no reason to skim over the greatest track and field videos on the internet...
Track and Field
Gold Medal Tie- The 200m demolition at the Beijing Games.
Gold Medal Tie- That was...not close. And inspired this video.
Gold Medal Tie- And this is where I realized I was gonna win the race...
Just Do It. (Insert Swoosh Here)
Bonus Category! Random Assortment of Nike/Jordan/Gatorade Commercials...
My agility is the CEO of the United Global Agility Corporation.
I've lost almost 300 games in my career. Or less than the Clippers lose in five seasons.
This commercial will leave your ears ringing.
Money.
As far as ridiculous outcomes to hypothetical matchups go this one might top the list.
Be Like Mike. Judging by the playful butt-slapping at 0:15 and the make-up of the extras it's a good thing this was a Michael Jordan commercial and not a Michael Jackson ad.
What is MJ wearing? And why would he agree to this ridiculous game if he already bought the Big Mac himself? How did they get atop that building? For a one minute commercial this is full of plot holes.
Women are athletes, too! But speaking of unrealistic outcomes to hypothetical matchups...
Fin.
Anyway, before I start digressing from my digression let's bring our attention to the man who has inspired my return to the blogosphere and the forthcoming collection of links that can be best described as haphazard and sprawling. Usain Bolt. Just let that sink in for a moment...phew...okay. After witnessing Bolt obliterate his own world record in the 100m sprint with a time of 9.58 seconds, my excited but uncertain feelings toward Usain have undoubtedly developed into a full-fledged man-crush. Will my love go unrequited or will he be the Shawn to my Cory? The Turk to my JD? The Joey to my Chandler? Only time will tell but I am optimistic...or at least more optimistic than usual. And as 'Step A' in attracting the attention of track and field's American antagonist, I now alliteratively announce "Addy's Arbitrary Awards of Athletic Achievement (as seen on YouTube)" in honor of Jamaica's finest.
"Jumping Jack Flash, It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!"
White Boy Division
Bronze Medal- John Wendling completed his career at the University of Wyoming only to be drafted by the Buffalo Bills so this blog may garner more attention for Wendling than his exploits on the football field ever did.
Silver Medal- If you read the video information you will notice that this Henry Bekkering was also a high school honor student...in Canada! This not only solidifies his placement in the "White Boy Division," but shows that Henry is a well-rounded individual who surely will make his mark on the world! Stay in school, kids!
Gold Medal- (come on let's not kid ourselves)
In-Game Division
Bronze Medal- Joey Gathright is here representing all those athletic baseball players out there. Well really it's only Gathright and that guy who jumps over the car. Oh, you're saying that's Gathright, too? Well then...props to Joey at least...
Silver Medal- Unfortunately during his Redskins career LaVar did this as much as this.
Gold Medal- Vince Carter did more damage to the public's perception of France than the Germans ever could. Best. Dunk. Ever.
Apology
AMENDMENT- The catch is fifty seconds in. In lieu of this recent discovery I would like to offer a sincere apology to Beau Kittredge of Colorado and present him the sole PLATINUM MEDAL of the "White Boy Division." Congratulations Beau.
Overall
Bronze Medal- I guess this is cool. His record has stood for 18 years and counting so he's got that going for him. Plus, he never decided to try his hand at singing the national anthem.
Silver Medal (tie)- I think it's safe to say he's got quite the market for sub-6'0'' French dunkers from Algeria pretty well cornered.
Silver Medal (tie)- For its' place in history.
Gold Medal- 1) This video features Deion Sanders and Ken Griffey Jr. (my second favorite athlete of all-time). 2) Conley's first three dunks (the 3rd, 5th, and 7th shown) are quite impressive in their own right. 3) Two-handed?? From the free throw line?? With room to spare?? Really?? I hope my repeated use of question marks has displayed my incredulity. Wow. His son was drafted fourth overall in the NBA Draft but Mike Conley Jr. will never come close to doing anything nearly as impressive as his dad's dunking exhibition.
Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!
Soccer (duh)
Bronze Medal- The best two players in the world. Fortunately for Messi he has some skill with the ball at his feet because he is one ugly dude. My consolations on that, Leo. Though taking into account Ronaldo's undeniably good looks, arrogance, and the general lack of respect he displays toward opponents, it is rather unfortunate that he possesses similar skill.
Silver Medal- You might say that this is my favorite goal of all-time just as you might say that English announcers are perhaps a bit understated.
Gold Medal- CliffNotes version. The top ten is nice. The top five is rather extraordinary. Number two is on most lists as one of the best goals of all-time. Number one is the best free kick ever.
Honorable Mention- You come for the soccer, you stay for the Busta Rhymes. This is the first of a four part series featuring the top 100 goals of all-time in the opinion of one onlygoalburns. I have watched all four parts (naturally) but 45 minutes of scissor kicks and mazy runs through the midfield might be a bit much for our A.D.D. audience. In fact, I'm surprised any of you made it this far. Feel free to navigate through the related videos to see any and/or all of the best goals.
"You're way too beautiful girl that's why it'll never work.."
Sean Kingston! Somebody call 911! Usain is fire burning on the dance floor! Anyway...as you can see by the lyrical introduction I have already faced the facts and recognized that Usain may be a touch out of league. But that's no reason to skim over the greatest track and field videos on the internet...
Track and Field
Gold Medal Tie- The 200m demolition at the Beijing Games.
Gold Medal Tie- That was...not close. And inspired this video.
Gold Medal Tie- And this is where I realized I was gonna win the race...
Just Do It. (Insert Swoosh Here)
Bonus Category! Random Assortment of Nike/Jordan/Gatorade Commercials...
My agility is the CEO of the United Global Agility Corporation.
I've lost almost 300 games in my career. Or less than the Clippers lose in five seasons.
This commercial will leave your ears ringing.
Money.
As far as ridiculous outcomes to hypothetical matchups go this one might top the list.
Be Like Mike. Judging by the playful butt-slapping at 0:15 and the make-up of the extras it's a good thing this was a Michael Jordan commercial and not a Michael Jackson ad.
What is MJ wearing? And why would he agree to this ridiculous game if he already bought the Big Mac himself? How did they get atop that building? For a one minute commercial this is full of plot holes.
Women are athletes, too! But speaking of unrealistic outcomes to hypothetical matchups...
Fin.
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